April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!


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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


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2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.


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3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


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4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.


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5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.


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6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


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7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


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8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?


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9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.

When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


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10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


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11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.


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12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.


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13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.


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14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.


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15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.


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16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.

If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.


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17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


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18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...


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19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


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20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back.

If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.

If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

[osreb]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well endowed, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
>

[tele2408]

Osreb, thanks very much. These jokes are hilarious, and the photos are great. I hope this thread continues until next April.

[osreb]

These are Girls profiles taken from a Indian matrimonial website.

Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a Profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single I don't have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home.
I am not a good education but I working all field in bangalore .. If u like me u welcome to my heart... When ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
Yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
(Truly yours)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want very simple boy. From Brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life.
I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than I.
Because I love myself a lot.
If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am simple girl.
I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow I am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
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I want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)
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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.
I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.
THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
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Whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is too like this he would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
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I love my patner I marriage the patner ok I search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
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I am pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
( Confused ????? )
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My name is farhanbegum and I am unmarried.
Pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
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Iam kanandevi. I do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
(Plz ? For gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )
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Hello I am a good charactarised woman.
I want to run my life happily.I divorced my first husband. His character is not good'. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there anything like that.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. I like social service.
(Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! She knows her heart color)

[osreb]

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they...
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

[osreb]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[osreb]

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy
Condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on
sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "Good, I'll take a
box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw
that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity
Section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamn blue ones!!"

[osreb]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story)

[osreb]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision

Johnnie says thats good, because he sure can't wear glasses

[osreb]

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. .'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has the intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She lives with her daughter and gandchildren; so we can't go to her house.

I live at the personal care home; and we can't go there.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.