I love you, funny face!

[Fox Mulder]

1. "Brad Pitt? Where??? I don't see Brad Pitt!" (Clever upskirt photographer trick)
2. "Aaamerica...it wush fun while it lashted. Have a nicesh life."
3. "Hey...my eyes are up here! Hello? Why aren't you looking at me when I talk? Hey!"
4. Now that you have proof he's cheating, the revenge can start...
5. "It wasn't me! I've been framed!"
6. Vladmir was so good he could dance women right out of their dresses.
7. Wash your pussy...you're freaking out the dog!
8. Who needs TV when you have an insatiable nymphomaniac wife?
9. "I've got you now, America...and whatever happens next, just remember...YOU VOTED FOR IT!"

[Fox Mulder]

1. "Hullo, Is this Dial-A-Lesbo Pizza? I could really use a woman's touch tonight...and a large Pepperoni."
2. "Just give me your address and I'll be right over!" (America needs more unique small businesses)
3. " Heeere's Johnny!" (Janette channels Jack Nicholson in "The Shining) ...
4. ...And it's a convincing enough performance to scare this poor woman into labor.

[Fox Mulder]

1. "You ladies are probably wondering why I asked you all here today...I want to talk frankly about schizophrenic behavior. "
2. Exclusively female colleges can be tough. They're so horny over at the Smegma Thi Sorority that the girls are humping the walls!
3. "Duh yuh...I love me some Suave shampoo...I really do! Yuk yuk yuk!" ( The dumbing down of America continues)
4. "Hey! If you pull on it, this stuff just keeps flying off the little cardboard thingy!"
5. "What? You've never seen a woman's right breast before?"
6. Some people don't think being photographed while seated on a toilet is funny. Imagine that.
7. She's so high she forgot she wasn't doing her laundry at home...and this is exactly why marijuana ought to be legal everywhere.
8. "But Farmer Joe, whatchu mean you want me to suck your cock? Your chickens is all outside in the yard!"
9. The NFL placekicker was in a terrible slump. At six inches from goal he couldn't even hit his girlfriend's tongue.

[Fox Mulder]

1. On second thought...stocking the outdoor tub with piranhas wasn't such a good idea after all.
2. "And...and...THEN he tried to impress me by showing me his CAR! He was relentless, until I screamed "GIVE IT UP! I LOVE PUSSY!"
3. "Listen. Do you wanna know a secret? Closer. Let me whisper in your ear... Slurp! (It's no secret now. Melissa likes blonds.)
4. Sometimes sailing into uncharted territory can make one a little bashful.
5. Suzy was one hell of a Scrabble player...and totally unashamed of her desires.
6. Sometimes Shirley liked to get...uh...Squirrel-y.
7. Joan wondered if she was EVER going to get past the spanking, going to bed without supper and grounded for a week phase of her life.
8. "Yes, I have work for BOTH of you...IF you're willing to work under the table."
9. "...and absorbed in her book, she didn't notice the cell phone camera that would expose her to the World Wide Web." (Non fiction)
10. When you're cheating on a husband who is a forensic detective, you need to be extra careful when cleaning up after sex.

[wildfire54]

It's so easy to get things wrong.

1.Jim's hopes were totally dashed when he found out the new piano instructor really did want to play with his lizard.

2.When Mike asked his girlfriend to 'send me a picture of you playing with your pussy'. Unfortunately that's exactly what she did.

3.When the college dean told the cheer leading squad to 'come up with something different. He didn't count on them forming a naked pyramid.

4. When Jen told her boyfriend they were going to have 'a private party at the beach.' She didn't count on him bringing his friends to it.

[laury]

[Fox Mulder]

1. Vlad is capable of getting erections...he just needs encouragement.
2. Blonds may have more fun...but brunettes get more cum.
3. When you mess with a One Eyed Trouser Snake, Missy...you'd better be ready for anything.
4. Playing with your food is allowed here.
5. All the little sperms got together to form one giant sperm...with the longest tale they ever saw.
6. The new Hollywood starlet figured she'd REALLY give the goddam paparazzi something to take pictures of.
7. A budding tennis player with WTA aspirations, Angie worked on her backhand whenever she could.
8. The new housekeeper was good...very good.
9. Santa Claus was good to us last year so this year we're leaving him something extra special with his milk and cookies.
10. After she burned breakfast, Anne sarcastically told her husband: "So crucify me!" (Anne's husband was a very literal person)

[Fox Mulder]

1. When Sara beats an opponent she often humiliates them with a good fisting...
2. Some of her opponents concede even before the first serve.
3. "Hey! Who wrote 'Petra takes steroids' on the fucking ball?"
4. "Hey look everyone! I'M SERENA WILLIAMS!"
5. "Yeah...this banana reminds me...last night I fucked a guy with a cock THIS BIG!" ( A true WTA-TMI moment.

[Fox Mulder]

1. Remember the day we thought Steve Bucemi's character from " Fargo " ( or part of him ) washed up on our beach?
2. Or how about when Dave told his wife he loved her brown eyes...all three of them.
3. Then there was the time Jenny needed help climbing out of the pool and Steve offered her something to hang on to.
4. Who could forget Allison's shock at discovering she had a case of sand crabs?

6. Do you recall how pissed the ladies were when the bags containing there bikinis were swept away by the tide? (Interesting walk home.)
7. I'll bet you were laughing too when naive Marty kept calling his wife to ask how the work project was going. (He didn't know she wasn't at work. Or that her little project was actually trying to seduce her best friend. Or...even that she secretly loved the taste of wet pussy!)
8. Remember how much fun it was to watch your neighbor work in her garden? (Until your wife took your camera away)
9. How about when we all noticed that Fred's tits were almost bigger than Carol's?

[Fox Mulder]

1. Rachael explains to the men seated at the table exactly why women hold the power in most marriages...that last.
2. "Oh, pardon me sir. Whilst you were away at the loo I took the liberty of entertaining your spouse."
3. DOG: "Anything you can do I can do better. I can do anything better than youuuuu!"
4. It was the most satisfying bowel movement of Sheila's life.
5. "Oh, it's sooo good to hear from you...no, I'm not doing anything important...I was just letting the cat out."
6. "So Ahab...does my whale tail turn on? Why don't you come here and show me your Moby Dick?" ( Melville is rolling in his grave)
7. Yes...I'll just bet it is!
8. "Ma'am I sure appreciate your kindness...I haven't had a good handjob in years!" (Save the world with random acts of kindness )
9. Smells like fish?
10. Smells like cock.