April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society!!!

[osreb]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'


The waitress says,'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ! ....... I PROMISE !)

'W I N A B A G E L'

[osreb]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."



First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:



Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels, two by two

Destination Timbuktu.



The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:



Me and Tim a-huntin' went

Met three wh*r*s in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[osreb]

Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using... Pussy and b*tch.
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A b*tch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."

"Thanks, Mom.."


He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and b*tch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a b*tch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle." : )

[osreb]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"Ah, yes," said Henry. "You did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[osreb]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her..


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[osreb]

Up to this very day, I did not believe
in the myth of Sasquatch/Big Foot.
But with this pix I have changed my mind.
I would NOT want to be in the forest alone,
without a gun and meet this.
It scared me just to look at the pix....(pic 1)
imagine meeting it face to face.

[osreb]

My dentist recently fired one of his long term employees.

This loyal and very competent hygienist worked for his office for over 14 years.

She was fired for not wearing gloves. I'll miss her.

I was looking forward to my cleaning appointment next month!

[osreb]

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[osreb]

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