April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

[osreb]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth
70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to
think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

[osreb]

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany . He sold his assets
and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the
limit he could bring into the U.S.When he arrived in New Yorkthe customs
official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So
Morris explained: Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes
for meat products and dairy products, but, I am so religious I also have
separate sets of teeth.

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two
sets of teeth. What about the other t hr ee?"Very religious Jews use
separate dishes for Passover, but, I am so Orthodox have separate teeth for
Passover meat and for Passover dairy food...."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very
strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise
for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth
set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he
said,"once in a while I like a ham sandwich."


__._,_.___

[osreb]

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump, give me a blow job." So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow!
That's a wasted talent.
Why are you committing suicide?"

She says, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Yikes!

[osreb]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience..
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now I know why some people are where they are!

[osreb]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[osreb]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.


The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two Buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget About the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just Want
you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee Time at the best golf course in town and
it's 9:30 already... I don't have Time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave Man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[osreb]

Four guys have been going to the same elk camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave,

Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Dave's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday."

Yesterday evening,

I was sitting in my chair and

my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

"Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to

"tie and cuff her to the bed",

and I did.

And then she said,
"Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[osreb]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but wh*r*s and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

[osreb]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

(see next post for her pic)