April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an
extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.




The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."



You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

[osreb]

An Indian husband, comes back home from work, to find that, his wife has left him a note .....

" Just finished cleaning the house and having my evening bath. I have gone to by vegetables. Make a cup of tea for yourself. Will be back shortly ! "

The husband had not got any sex from his wife since almost 2 months. Finding himself alone in the house, he puts a XXX DVD on his player and begins masturbating. As his excitement and pleasure built up, he began masturbating faster. At that juncture, his wife opens the door with her own key and walks in. She stands at the door quietly and watches him masturbate rapidly.

As the husband neared his climax, she suddenly drops her shopping bags on the floor, rushes over to her husband, grabs his cock with her mouth and proceeds to give him a good blow job. The husband ejaculates into his wife's mouth. She drains out every drop of his semen, into her mouth. She then gets up, collects the shopping bags and quitely walks into the kitchen. The husband is stunned ! He sits on the sofa wondering at what just happened. After getting his breath back, he gets up and walks into the kitchen. He finds his wife, chopping tomatoes.

He asks her, " Darling, what happened to you suddenly today ? I mean you have not been interested in having sex with me since almost 2 months now. And today, you suddenly come and give me a wonderful blow job ! "
His wife replied, " Well Dear, I had just washed the whole floor today. You would have messed up the floor by spilling your semen all over it, as you were so busy masturbating. I simply could not see the floor dirty again. So, I decided that it is better for me to have to swallow your semen and later brush my teeth, rather than having to wash the floor all over again ! "

[osreb]

A Murder Mystery (true story) A must read

For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think
about...Just when you think you have heard everything!!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Well, here is a good one
for you!

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is
an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science,
(AAFS)President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 ... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending
to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had
been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to
complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and
he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he
pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went
through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife
were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not
loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife
with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that
is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the
murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now
becomes
one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist ... Further investigation revealed
that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.

This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only
to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.

[osreb]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

[osreb]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you have started and have never finished.'


So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.


Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

[osreb]

on a Saturday nite

[osreb]

car tags

[osreb]

A high ranking hardware engineer, a software engineer, and their manager are taking

a walk outdoors when they come upon a brass lamp.

They pick it up and dust it off, and poof, out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my prison. I will now grant you 3 wishes in return.

Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."



The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the

Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.



The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley

with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.



The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought.


Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

[osreb]

pic #1

[osreb]

http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_BP_spills_coffee

anyone following the Gulf Oil Spill will see the humor in this clip