April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...
"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[osreb]

If you are not completely satisfied with your vasectomy
Within 60 days we will refund your purchase in full
Your satisfaction is our top priority.

http://www.vasectomyinabox.com/

[osreb]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a
large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please
excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and
can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By
the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal
are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well,what kind of an
animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're
cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a Politician ."

__._,_.___

[osreb]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.




The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) -











'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.

[osreb]

Advertisement In A Birkenhead Shop:

Guitar, for sale... Cheap... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight .... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

Sign At A Barber's Salon In Liverpool :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!

Sign in a Dentist’s clinic:
You don’t need to floss ALL your teeth --- only the ones you want to keep.

[osreb]

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

[osreb]

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such.

But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless.

I thought I'd help the educational process along a bit.



1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower


Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 1 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

Theere will be a test tomorrow

[osreb]

Dear hubby,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever..
I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was
the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep
after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either, you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because
they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't
work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st
thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7
years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because
the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica .
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed/-
Your Ex-Husband,

Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was
born as Carla(woman).........I hope that's not a problem.

[osreb]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[osreb]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!


Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer