April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION
>
> First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their
> first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
> The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all
> times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
> them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
> qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
> involving the animal body".
> For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
> finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his
> mouth.
> "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The
> students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took
> turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
> "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
> tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[osreb]

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and Says to the secretary,
>
> I would like to join this damn church.
>
> The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir...
> I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
>
> Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join This damn church!
>
> I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
> Tolerated in this church.
>
> The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's
> Study to inform him of her situation.
>
> The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen
> To that foul language.
>
> They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old
> Geezer, Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
>
> There is no damn problem, the man says.
> I just won $200 Million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
> this
> damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.
>
> I see, said the pastor.
> And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?
>

[osreb]

A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started
playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was
so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"You're back in so early!
What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee!" she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is probably too wide."

[osreb]

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The story must contain the following three components:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
This is the A+ story:
>
"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

[osreb]

The Taxi Driver

A preacher on a trip to New York caught a a taxi and while sppeding through town he hada wreak and he and the taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.


'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I
spent my lefe serving God, went to church every Sunday, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons everyone slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!

Alternate punch line:

"the taxi driver scared the Hell out of a lot more people by driving than you did by preaching."

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

The Taxi Driver

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1241578366

I like that one.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of g****s.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

[osreb]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. " You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

And furthermore. ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

*******

[osreb]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate,
"I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Aaarrgghhh, we were in a battle and I got hit with a musket ball in tha knee and the doc amputed me leg and now
I have to wear this peg leg; but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" "Arrggghhh, We were in a Hurricane and I was washed overboard, and before they could get me back on da ship a shark bit me arm off and now I have this hook for me hand. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Aaarrrgghh, one day we were at sea and I was on watch inb the crow's nest when a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in me eye and now I be blind in that eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
"Aaaarrrggghhh, It will if you try and get it out with this here hook."

[Fango]

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...8&d=1241843158

Great little ENF-y shot.

Thanks

Fango