April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago.

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...9&d=1274570262

Cute, funny pic. Is that Roseanne Roseannadanna on the right there?

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

HOW A WOMAN HAS A SHOWER

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone..

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with g****fruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Proceed to Dressing Table and sit in front of mirror for at least an hour.



How a Man Showers

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If partner seen along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Take shave gel and pat on face & have a shave.

Get in the shower.. Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Wash bum, leaving coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap..

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Brush hair....Get dressed and leave for work in 5 minutes

[osreb]

1. You never get drunk as fast, as the girl you are chatting up !
2.You can tell dirty jokes !
3. You get dirty jokes !
4. You can go topless in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, without getting stoned !
5. You go to bed with any number of women !
6. You can play the video, whenever you wish !
7. You are taller. Most of the time !
8. Cricket, foot-ball, Golf, Tennis, Poker are important to live !
9. Fat is a feminist issue !
10. Bars and restaurants don't go quiet, when you walk in - alone !
11. You can scratch your privates in public !
12. You don't have to breast feed !
13. Peeing in public, is perfectly acceptable !
14. You don't have to remember where you have left things !
15. Your records are in alphabetical order !
16. You know exactly what curtains you want for your new house. They are the ones they have got in the nearest curtain shop !
17. Ever heard the term " Unfit Father " ?
18. Your Mum will always love you. In spite of everything !
19. Every news agent is full of available partners - provided you can reach the top shelf !
20. You can carry an over the shoulder courier bag on your back, without re-arranging your breasts !
21. It really doesn't matter, if you can't stand up after midnight !
22. You are far more likely to receive, than give oral sex !
23. You have only a limited range of acceptable hairstyles, to choose from !
24. And as you get older, you get less hair to worry about !
25. You don't get patronised by policemen !
26. If you wear a suit and tie, nobody will suspect you are a lesbian !
27. You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night !
28. Even your best underwear, is relatively uncomplicated !
29. As long as your Mum's still alive, you get your washing done at her place !
30. Being treated like a sex object, isn't such a bad thing !
31. Men rule the world !
32. And women, live in it !
33. You can whistle loudly in the street !
34. You have absolutely no compunction about hiring a cleaning lady !
35. You never have to wax your legs !
36. You can eat a banana in public !
37. You can pee standing up and wherever you want !
38. Sex can be as quick, as you like !
39. You don't have to wear make up !
40. Your nails are always dry !
41. You don't have to mentally grow up !
42. You can become a Catholic priest and have unlimited free wine !
43. A moustache, looks good on you !
44. A beard, looks good on you !
45. You get to wear comfortable shoes !
46. You don't collapse in floods of tears, if your partner says you look fine !
47. You can have a baby, without changing your wardrobe !
48. Tights are totally out of the question !
49. You can buy bananas and cucumbers, without getting embarrassed !
50. You don't get angry, if your spouse forgets Valentine's Day !
51. You never have to admit to, not knowing something !
52. You can avoid bathing, shaving and ironing and merely be called eccentric !
53. You don't have to sleep with the Boss. Unless you want to !
54. You can climb trees, without exposing your undergarments !
55. You can throw up in public !
56. Facial wrinkles are called character lines !
57. When you are past 80, your breasts don't interfere with your belt !
58. You can totally avoid salads and it doesn't seem to harm you !
59. You can take the dog for a walk and have a good break !
60. Press ups are easier !
61. You can discuss your flatulence with a certain pride !
62. You can become a professional footballer !
63. You can become a soldier and shoot foreigners !
64. You get to eat enormous quantities of strange cheese !
65. Bad hair day ? So what ???
66. You just sort of know about country flags !
67. You can open new bottles of tomato ketchup !
68. Everyone loves a man in uniform !
69.You remain optimistic about sport and sex !
70. A 1972 Mercedes isn't just a car, for you !
71. You have no trouble whatsoever, putting stuff off until tomorrow !
72. You don't cry. Unless your team gets promoted, or wins something !
73. You don't feel the need to read instruction manuals on equipment !
74. A phone call only lasts a minute. Unless it's a particularly long and intricate Indian takeaway order !
75. You're allowed to put things in your pockets !
76. You don't have to throw things away, just because they're not new anymore !
77. You're allowed to - in fact you're expected to - swear heavily !
78. You can sit about smoking in Arab countries !
79. Chocolate will never rule your life !
80. You are expected to accidentally break things !
81. If nobody fancies you, it's their problem !
82. You do not find the need to get married !
83. Your spouse will also earn a part of the money, to run your household !
84. Your spouse will normally do whatever you wish, for you !
85. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the household shopping is being done !
86. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the food is getting prepared !
87. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the children are being washed, fed and taken care of !
88. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to worry about food preparation !
89. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to properly get dressed up !
90. You can call your friends over for a party, even when your spouse is not in the mood, or tired !
91. You can crack sarcastic jokes on your spouse, without considering her feelings !
92. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her mood !
93. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her need !
94. You need not wear a negilgee to excite your spouse !
95. You can expect your spouse to do a strip show, for you !
96. You can have sex without any petting and fondling first !
97. You can expect your spouse to perform oral sex, without doing the same for her !
98. You can expect your spouse to ask your spouse to agree to all your perversions !
99. You can have an orgasm, every single time that you have sex !
100. You can go to sleep, the next minute - after an orgasm !

[osreb]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would
have it; she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

[osreb]

What is the difference between girls/women aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 78 ?



At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[osreb]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of g****s.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[osreb]

TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON

THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO
SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE
OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Sorta brings a tear to you eye, don't it?

[osreb]

It's time to play 'Find the Canadian!'

Tonights's challenge is especially difficult.

View the candid photograph (pic 1) and use logic to locate the clues that will let you
'Find the Canadian!'

Do you have the skill?
Do you have the ability?
Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?

Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?

Taking notes is permissible but try to limit your time to no more than 5 minutes!


Good luck!

[osreb]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .

[osreb]

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."


--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"


-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in California
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca


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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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