April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

__._,_.___

[osreb]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment. '

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.


__._,_.___

[osreb]

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I
am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man
asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized
eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your
chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence

[osreb]

The Best Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[osreb]

A lot of truth to this one! And well done!

A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines. United apparently damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500) during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for YouTube exposing their lack of cooperation. The Manager responded : "Good luck with that one, pal".

So he posted a retaliatory video on YouTube. The video has since received over 6.1 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video. Naturally his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal".

Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has lead to a sharp increase in orders.

Here's the video ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo&NR=1

[osreb]

A teacher asks an Arkansas redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.


She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."



Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

[osreb]

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical
gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and
begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to
have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to
him, he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to
give him a blow job.

The first man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I
get a hand job and he gets blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Obama care
and private insurance.."

[osreb]

JimBob is driving down a back road in Alabama .

A neon sign in front of a restaurant blinks:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL: Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "My three favorite things!"

[osreb]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[osreb]

Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago.

The second lady said she gets all the free young sex she wants.

Well this got the first ladies attention right now and she wanted to know how she managed that.

The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of the store as possible and as the young carry out boy carried her groceries to her car that she just let him know in a very subtle way that she was available.

Well the first lady was very hesitant about doing that. But one day she was feeling very horny and decided, what the heck, she was going to give it a try.

She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, a lot of things she didn't even need!

As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has an itchy pussy.

He turns to her and said, "Lady, all of these foreign cars look a like to me. You’re just going to have to point it out."