April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.


When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.



It also works at DMV; it saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat... three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's; the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

Here's the patch (last pic). Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[osreb]

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.



DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!

[osreb]

I hate it when people post bogus warnings, but this one is REAL!

Please repost this as your status!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM! They only want to see...... you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!

[osreb]

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax..
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America' s shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

[osreb]

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women." (pic 1)

[osreb]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."?

Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[osreb]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As of yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious older man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only two left."

[osreb]

Technical College teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam
and told them to be prepared.

"Now ladies and gents, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family

but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart Alex in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and tittering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sweetly at the student, shakes her head, and sympathetically says,

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[osreb]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,

still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! *'You asked your neighbor?'** *

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[osreb]

(I hope it is not too late!)

The 2010 sn*tch BACK