April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremen to

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital...

[osreb]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold .'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

[osreb]

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine ......
Created a c*nt ( pussy ) to their design !

First was a butcher, smart with wit ......
Using a knife, he gave it a slit !

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold ......
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole !

Third was a tailor, tall and thin ......
By using red velvet, he lined it within !

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout ......
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without !

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell ......
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell !

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee ......
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee !

Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt ......
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a " c*nt " !

Thus, gents - the femine c*nt ......
Is used by all of us - to perform - many a stunt !

[osreb]

woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.

So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

[osreb]

more posted here:

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/show...postcount=1132

[osreb]

Just goes to show you how smart management really is

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were; cars $1.40, buses $7.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on t he City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.

[osreb]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands
him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order
from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish
pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards
the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings
him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I
didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again
retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in
disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her
husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the
owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered
you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the
fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

[osreb]

BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.


Pick a number from 1-9.


Multiply by 3.


Add 3.


Multiply by 3 again.


Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Gone with the wind" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...







1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

Amazing, isn't it?

[osreb]

"Duct tape won't fix that."

"I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex."

"Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."

"Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken."

"Has anyone seen the sideburn trimmer?"

"You can't feed that to the dog."

"I thought Graceland was tacky."

"No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe."

"Wrasslin's fake."

"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

"We're vegetarians."

"Do you think my hair is too big?"

"I'll have g****fruit instead of biscuits and gravy."

"Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?"

"Who's Richard Petty?"

[osreb]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.


The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.