April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Easter and the 3 blondes


Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven , they had to tell him what Easter was.


The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."


St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.

St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.

The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

[osreb]

WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE AN EASTER EGG

* You only get laid once.

* You only get eaten once.

* It takes you three minutes to get hard.

* The only person who sits on your face is your mother.

* You come in a box with eleven other guys!!!

* You get tossed in the trash when they're finished with you.

[osreb]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun does not take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun does not ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun does not mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[osreb]

Headlines

[osreb]

to accompany the headlines

[osreb]

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a father who doesn't normally know what he'd like for Father's Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!

New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place,
just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine
you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.


After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again.

[osreb]

Kendra grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She
held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Kendra asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds,
then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh, good!" Kendra sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf."

[osreb]

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

You call them up and tell them you can't cum.

[way out west]

work becomes laughter but the jokes are funny enough to enjoy and share with others if you can remember them all-great job OSREB

[osreb]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're gonna love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)