April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search,

you are obviously in the...(pic 1)

No, no. No need to thank me. Just pass it along.

[osreb]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK,
I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[osreb]

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...





(You're going to hate me for this...)





'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then post it at OCC.

[osreb]

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
Home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
Goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy
The fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
The barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Sin Jahn's,
there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you sets foot in the place, they'll
Buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like actually. Then,
When you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you
Gets laid. All on de house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Irishman's claims,
But he swears every word is true..

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious, "Did this actually happen To you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman.
"But it did happen To me sister quite a few times."

[michmc]

Originally Posted by osreb

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
Home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
Goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy
The fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
The barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Sin Jahn's,
there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you sets foot in the place, they'll
Buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like actually. Then,
When you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you
Gets laid. All on de house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Irishman's claims,
But he swears every word is true..

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious, "Did this actually happen To you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman.
"But it did happen To me sister quite a few times."

One of the most entertaining, if not the most entertaining thread in this community. Very good work -- and I know it is work. But it is certainly appreciated.

[osreb]

Hey, What’s the Definition of...
>
> Abusive .... What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer?
>
> Ambivalence .... Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
>
> Amnesia .... I forget.
>
> Antipathy .... You would have to ask me that.
>
> Amorous .... I love the way you ask that question.
>
> Apathy .... I don’t care.
>
> Apologetic .... I’m sorry that you have to ask me that.
>
> Argumentative .... Are you looking for a fight?
>
> Authoritarian .... I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions!
>
> Bigotry .... I’m not going to tell someone like you.
>
> Blasphemous .... God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
>
> Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right
> now!
>
> Conditional .... Well, it depends.
>
> Damnation .... You and your questions can go to hell!
>
> Depressed .... You would have to ask me that.
>
> Dyslexic .... Gniees sdrawkcab.
>
> Egotistical .... I’m the best person to answer that question.
>
> Evasive .... Have you done your homework today?
>
> Exhausted .... I’m too tired to answer you right now.
>
> Flatulent .... That question really stinks!
>
> Greedy .... What’s in it for me if I tell you?
>
> Hemorrhoids .... You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
>
> Hostility .... If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you!
>
> Hypochondriacal .... The thought of it makes me sick.
>
> Ignorance .... I don’t know.
>
> Indifference .... It doesn’t matter.
>
> Influenza .... You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question.
>
> Insecure .... I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question.
>
> Insensitive .... I don’t care if you don’t know the answer.
>
> Insomnia .... I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
>
> Intoxicated .... ** BURP **
>
> Irreverent .... I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
>
> Laconic…… Yep!
>
> Masturbation .... I can single-handedly answer that question.
>
> Narcissism .... Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great?
>
> Nausea .... That question is going to make me vomit.
>
> Nonchalant .... It’s not important.
>
> Obstinate .... I’m not going to tell you.
>
> Optimistic: I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.
>
> Over-Protective .... I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer.
>
> Over-Sensitive .... How could you ask me a question like that?
>
> Paranoid .... You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?
>
> Pessimistic .... I’m sure I won’t give the right answer.
>
> Procrastination .... I’ll tell you tomorrow.
>
> Repetitive .... I already told you the answer once before.
>
> Sarcastic .... That’s a stupid question to ask me.
>
> Secretive .... I can’t tell you right now.
>
> Seductive .... Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
>
> Self-Centered .... Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters.
>
> Senile .... When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions.
>
> Subjective .... It’s all in how you look at the question.
>
> Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?
>
> Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for???

[Fango]

In a few hours, this will be the April Fools YEAR thread!

Fango

[osreb]

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!

[osreb]

April fools jokes and pics is 1 year old.

Hope all ya'll enjoy the daily laugh.

I'll try and keep it going.

Osreb
***********************************
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved sn*tch.

Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC anymore.

[chuckie497]

One of my regularly scheduled stops at OCC. Thanks for a years worth of laughs and ladies!