April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Freckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again !!!!!!!!"

[osreb]

Guess what the item in pic 1 is used for?

Answer is pic 10

[osreb]

You know you're from Louisiana when...

-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.

-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads

-You don't look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.

-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.

-Your ancestors are buried above the ground .

-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don't see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!)

-You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .

-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .

-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, 'Don't eat the dead ones,' and you know what he means.

-You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

-You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.

-Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .

-You believe that purple, green , and gold look good together.

-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

-Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No.. 1 on the party chart.

-Your house payment is less than your utility bill.

-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.

-Your grandparents are called 'Mam-Maw' and 'Paw-Paw..'

-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.

-You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a 'New Orleans-based' movie or TV show.

-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.

-You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.

-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

-You've eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac's, Gallatoire's, Ralph & Kacoo's, Brunet's, or Mulatte's.

-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten.

-You call home just to find out what your momma'nem are having for supper tonight.

[osreb]

THE QUALIFICATIONS:

In a Purdue University government class, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple,
the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural
born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section..????"

[osreb]

THESE REALLY WORK!!** *
I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!*

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING
SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT
BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR
VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND
DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT
THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS*

[osreb]

A regular walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!"

The bartender replied, "Wow! You're in a really good mood tonight!"

"Indeed!" the man said. "I just got hired by the city to go around and
remove all the money from the parking meters. I start tomorrow!" The
bartender congratulated the man and proceeded to pour a round for everyone.

The next night, the same man walked back in. "Bartender, another round
for everyone, on me!" he said.

As the bartender was pouring the drinks, he said, "If you're this happy
about your new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get
your first paycheck!"

The man went wide-eyed, grinned from ear to ear, pulled out a handful of
quarters from his pocket and said, "You mean they pay me too?"

[osreb]

FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE GIRLS "SLOGANS MAYBE??

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?


__._,_.___

[osreb]

History Lessons ... !!

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a
pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......
if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to
buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low
************************************************** **********
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be,
saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[osreb]

UP OR DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly Gentleman and an elderly lady

Struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and

started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man

Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced

The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the

River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon

Another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked

You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

"Fuck or drown."

[osreb]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testiclesblack?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,





'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?