The Great Bride Thread

[osreb]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[osreb]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
Balls vs Guts

GUTS - Is arriving home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.

[osreb]

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."


Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."


Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

[osreb]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway .. you're going to be
okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened.. I'm trying
to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'you've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did-better in fact! But the thing is,
it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. "So, 'the doctor says, 'it's up to you to decide
how many inches you want. But, it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean , if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher, this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

' I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

[Fango]

One of the hottest brides I've seen. Shame the pictures aren't larger.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered

[osreb]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new members.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the
husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon....Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
So we decided to spend our time repainting teh kitchen.
one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then
and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."

[osreb]

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

[osreb]

Bride to me gets a candy bra as a gift - then proceeds to try it on a model to the guest

[osreb]

bride and guast practice giving head with a cock shaped cake