my favs

[bbgapril]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one looks like yours!'"

[bbgapril]

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps Down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[bbgapril]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

[bbgapril]

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's that tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!


Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says,


"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[bbgapril]

"Desire" was written by Myers, Meg / Rosen, Andrew Robert.

Baby, wanna touch you
I wanna breathe into your well
See, I gotta to hunt you
I gotta bring you to my hell
Baby, I wanna fuck you,
I wanna feel you in my bones
Boy, I'm gonna love you
I'm gonna tear into your soul

[bbgapril]

Desire, I'm hungry
I hope you feed me
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?
How do you want me, how do you want me?

[bbgapril]

Honey, I wanna break you
I wanna throw you to the hounds,
Yeah I gotta hurt you
I gotta hear from your mouth
Boy, I wanna taste you
I wanna skin you with my tongue
I'm gonna kill you,
I'm gonna lay you in the ground

Desire, I'm hungry
I hope you feed me
How do you want me, how do you want me?

[bbgapril]

Merry HO HO HO to all, I hope this finds you in the best of times

[bbgapril]

I had to take care of a few things, including teaching a class out of town, but I got back

[bbgapril]

Since my return, my wife has been a non stop nympho