April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Two cowboys are out on the range one night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "Ever had rodeo sex?"

"Ain't ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's', and see how long you can hang on."

[osreb]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a
lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[osreb]

The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of

a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. 'Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on
that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

[osreb]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[osreb]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books....... ......

'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99


Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:. .... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ...... Let's not go there.

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: ... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: ..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack____.

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[osreb]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
'Are - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k’

[osreb]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba, Bertha, Duke,
Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with
the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I
don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

[osreb]

1. Men are like
Laxatives: They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change Them.

4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right For your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many Inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are Handicapped.

[osreb]

Mens & Womens rest room signs

[osreb]

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and
all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a
drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills
that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc,
your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his
head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all
night chasing those dogs; and when I finally catch one, it's hard
getting him to swallow the pill!"