my favs

[bbgapril]

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine: it was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata

[bbgapril]

A guy had an interesting experience recently
involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62.
She was drinking quite a bit and,
while they were chatting,
she came right out and asked him
if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double"
- a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him
into it. So she slams back one last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into
his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the
hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:


"Mom! You still awake?"

[bbgapril]

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[bbgapril]

re you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes round the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 9 mm, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look p oor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BAN! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"

[bbgapril]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she
looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she
comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.

Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."

[bbgapril]

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would find a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Field's and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Eight and five-eighths."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet saleswoman tallied up his bill and the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

[bbgapril]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.'

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. 'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.'

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well, I'm from Oklahoma State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'

[bbgapril]

Poetry time

Here she is, racked
wrists and ankles lashed
Each of the four posts
anchor her to the King

Black satin blindfold enhances
every touch, fleecy bumps
on downy skin, exposed beyond
black knit, ribbed bustier
French cut lace panties, shaded darker black
Moist

Firm fingertips lightly trace
forehead, random path to toes
Petite feet struggle to escape
Dove feather tickles, teases, contrasting
sharp, dinner fork rakes

Pleading, her dripping desire needs penetration
Finger touches veil, command
'Nothing enters until your thighs glisten'

Groans rise, begging holds no sway
Discipline ensues
Cups jerked down, erect nipples salute
His pinch, pulls until she utters the safety cue

Pouting lips met with rigidity
Strong tongue strokes
She attempts to join
'No' He lifts, scent remains

Gaze shifts lower, examines
gleaming inner thighs
Instrument in hand, blade
broadside against her right cheek
Unlikely surprise

Butcher's knife darts from face
to waist, delivers two slices
French cut garment disposed
Weeping groove in His view
'The time is nigh'
From behind her mask, tears

Master, laps the salty streams
He smiles as she pants
guttural moans
Lips touch, tongues too
drooling in unison

This exchange
a precursory taste
for her pleas
He grants

[bbgapril]

Dame Vilaine svp!
My naughty vixen
has the body that I crave
the way she works my dick
there is nothing to be saved

Slowly she dons the pantyhose
I am drooling seeing her thighs
is the night destined for pleasure
who will have the deeper sighs?

The pumps and heels accentuate that booty
make grown men lose their minds
you know when they are left alone
they jerk thinking about that grind

Now saddle up my sexy cowgirl
you need to be taken raw on the spot
public or private bodies run their courses
this what those puckered lips has bought

And don't think you are going home soon
my sword doesn't work that way
repeated relief is required
cum landings are so in play!

Written by JAZZMANOR

[bbgapril]

Nasty As Charged
Call me any name your heart desires
if my reward is sweet orgastic release
then my prize is worth the language
content am to say the least

Tell me I am a mother fucker
for pumping you nice and hot
relentless in my probing
and giving you all I've got

Be shocked when your pantyhose are torn asunder
and I ravaged you like a demon in fast gear
varied so precisely the positions
in joyous vocals you shredded all the fears

You questioned how I could be so focused
when I mounted and claimed that bubble shaped ass
you started to coo when my waters spilled over
as if exercised were lovers of the past

Then proceeded to indite yourself
claiming to be my sl*t on this night
no resistance to decadent plans
over stimulated with intercourse's delights

Dirty verbals remind us of the truth
the animal nature that we can't escape
when instincts trump logic
in command is the urge to mate

Written by JAZZMANOR