my favs

[bbgapril]

"What is girl cub doing there?"
"We'll talk when you get here Luv yo Son."
"Luv yo too Dad.
"Momma Bear, Girl Cub, Boy Cub is in town and coming over."
"Oh shit, Dad, please let me tell him about tickle."
My wife's jaw dropped to the floor.
With a smile I looked at the two of them and said "I'll be oiling up my guns. Let me know when he gets here."

[bbgapril]

I would be worried that Boy Cub would do something stupid, but he's gonna have his hands full with Momma Bear for not telling her he got injured.
So, I did not tell my daughter that I got a call from Tickles mother, and will wait until she finds out for herself.
Then I can have make up sex with the wife... hopefully after the house is less crowded.

[bbgapril]

Ok bad joke time

My wife was sunbathing naked when all of a sudden she got on her hands and knees and said "Do me doggy style, right now."

So ripped off my clothes, sniffed her arse then promptly escaped through a hole in the fence to shag the next door neighbour.

[Megatron007]

Originally Posted by bbgapril

I love the amateurs

Holy fuck! The one kneeling in the white see through, I think I know her ... or someone who looks just like her. Man, she's a hotty!

[bbgapril]

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.

So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[bbgapril]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[bbgapril]

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

[bbgapril]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[bbgapril]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to
the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a
reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

[bbgapril]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."