April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

This may be the punch line of the year .

Judge Judy to prostitute; "So when did you realize you were r@ped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."

[osreb]

Joe's Old Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

[osreb]

This is from 2008

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stellas for the past year:

7TH PLACE: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE: Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE: Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stellas when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr . Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE: Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just > incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?

***** FAKE PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

I've Learned -- As I Mature
...that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

...that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

...that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others --
they are more screwed up than you think.

...that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

...that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

[osreb]

things that look like cocks.

I traid to include a few chick pics, because it is one click chicks.

[osreb]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married For 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's How it all went.

My engaged Friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came
Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall
Stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
The woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
Passionate love all Night long.


The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels
And Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
He didn't say a word, But he started to tremble and
We had wild sex all Night.


Then I had to share my Story:

When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door And saw me he
said,


"What's for Dinner,Batman?"

[osreb]

Little Firefighter .......





A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
Fire Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in
A little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides,
And a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer..
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[osreb]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,

SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY

FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,

WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.


SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE

SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO

OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED

HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ...



'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.



'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED



HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?


'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.


HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.



THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED....


'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[osreb]

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

[osreb]

love this tee