The Great Bride Thread

[osreb]

Su Wong, a high school math teacher, marries Lee Wong, an aeronautical engineer. A few months following their wedding Su announces that she is pregnant.

About nine months later Mrs. Wong delivers her baby.

Mr. Wong is ecstatic and can't wait to see his new son. Walking into the maternity ward crowded with new borns he asks the nurse which child is his.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

Upon witnessing the child Mr. Wong is irate and heads back to confront his wife. Yelling at her he says, "You obviously have been unfaithful, there is no way I'm the father of that child."

She responds, "How could you say such a thing?"

He quickly says, "Because two Wongs could not make a White!"

"I'm heading to my attorney's office to file for a divorce!", and stormed out of the hospital.

After explaining the situation to his attorney, the attorney says, "Alright, I will begin the divorce proceedings on the grounds of infidelity, but first I'll have to check the birth records, what did you name the child?"


Mr. Wong responds, "I named him ----

Are you ready for this?


Sum Ting Wong

[osreb]

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot.

The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.

Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.

Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.

Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you.

The Bartender recited.

"YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH...

BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS...

BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE."

-"Shakespeare"

Man: I can handle that.

So, walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem.

When he gets home he is unable to find his keys.

So, he knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not of been drinking.

Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good

The man starts to recite the poem...

"YOU BABYLONIAN b*tch…

BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS…

BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE."

[osreb]

Italian Grandma's Advice!
A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: 'Sit-a here ana leta me tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over,took my new dress off so it wouldn’t get wrinkled, got on top of him, it felt so good I was tingling inside and I disgraced HIS family instead!'
Nonna fainted!!

[osreb]

How to Make a Woman Happy
It is not difficult to make a woman happy....

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4.. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up topless
2. Bring Beer & Food

[apple123]

Love your posts, Osreb. Keep up the good work!

[ironheadf]

One of my favorite threads!

[osreb]

A man, fianally gave in to his ever nagging wife, who wanted to go to Jerusalem. So off they went
and while there, the wife suddenly became ill and died. The undertaker told the husband that it would cost him $5,000 to have the body shipped home, but he could have her buried in the Holy Land for $500.

The man pondered the choice and hen notifed the undertaker to arrange for the body to sent back to America.

Why, asked the undertaker; it would cost much less to bury her here.

The man replied; "A long time ago a man died and was buried here in Jerusalem and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

[osreb]

It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!

[osreb]

A middle aged man bought a brand new Ford Mustang. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 100 mph,and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to
an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no
problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down
the road at over 120 kp/h to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind
of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
Police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the
Mustang and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in
five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
off with a Policeman.. and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day

[osreb]

Subject: Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital

Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pileup on the freeway.. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Goldberg groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did... maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000.00 per inch.'

Goldberg perks up at this!! 'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed.. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says Mr. Goldberg.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'Yes, she has,' he says.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor.


'We're getting granite countertops