April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:



1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[osreb]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable warmed the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded....”
______________________________________

[xdementox]

wooooooahhh impresionante gracias.

[osreb]

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?......

A licker cabinet.

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2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....

A Klondyke.

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3. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?.....

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

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4. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ......

Fur Traders.

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5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....

A Lickalotapuss.

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6. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?.....

Well Hung.

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7. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

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8 . What do you call lesbian twins? .....

Lick-a-likes.

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9. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

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10. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?

100 people that don't do dick!

[osreb]

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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What's the difference between a b*tch and a wh*r*?

A wh*r* sleeps with everybody at the party
A b*tch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

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What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

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What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

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Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.

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The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

"Are you in?"

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The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

"Honey, I'm home!"

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Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went

[osreb]

For All Who Work With Rude Customer's


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some Months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been Withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of Inconvenienced travellers.. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped His ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS'...

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help You, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be Able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers Behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your Attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, The man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too'..

[osreb]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING
ROOM IS.

[osreb]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!

This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough)..
.You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport
office...


Dear sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be to damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, you know
why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!


Signed
- An Irate Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang ........ However, I have to get someone'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

[osreb]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up..


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .


* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[osreb]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.


The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'


She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'