April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Famous quotes of the 2000

Jessica Simpson, on tuna (2003)
“Is this chicken or is this fish?”

Tom Cruise clashes with Matt Lauer about psychology (2005)

“Psychiatry is a pseudoscience…. You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do…Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don’t even -you’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is.”

Mel Gibson, after being pulled over (2003)

“What are you looking at sugar-tits?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger, on gay marriage (2003)

“I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

Kellie Pickler, on “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” (2007)
“I thought Europe was a country?”

Mariah Carey, before entering rehab (2001)
“I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”

Britney Spears, on her virginity (2002)

“The virginity issue. There are so many emotions involved that I would like to be able to wait until I know I’m with the right person and I’m married.”

Paris Hilton, on Wal-Mart (2003)

“Wal-mart… do they like make walls there?”

Matthew McConaughey, on the birth of his son Levi (2008)

“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

Sarah Palin, on what newspapers she reads (2008)
“All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.”

Christina Aguilera, on wearing clothes (2006)

“I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body.”

Ricky Martin, on golden showers (2006)

“I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's, like, so sexy.”

George Bush, on himself (2000)

“They misunderestimated me”

Tara Reid, on how smart she is (2005)

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

Marlon Brando, on Leonardo DiCaprio (2002)

“He looks like a girl.”

Jessica Simpson's Dad, on her boobs (2005)

“She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!”

Siegfried of Siegfried & Roy, on his house (2000)

“If you live with 58 lions and tigers, then you will always have a lot of pussy in the house.”

Chris Kattan, on movies (2002)

“I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.”

Ozzy Osbourne, on subtitles (2002)

“I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can't understand what the fuck I'm talking about.”

Hugh Hefner, on his life (2002)

“My life is an open book. With illustrations.”

Pete Sampras, on his wedding (2002)

“I didn't have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends.”

Kid Rock, on being president (2002)

“If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.”

Hugh Grant, on his smile (2000)

“Let's face it: The teeth are getting more and more British every day. I look in the mirror and see Austin Powers staring at me.”

Hillary Clinton, on her people (2000)

“Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people.”

Denise Richards, on love (2007)

“I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.”

Bette Midler, on sex (2004)

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? “

Melissa Etheridge, after winning an Oscar (2007)

“This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.”

Tila Tequila, on shooting a safe sex commercial (2008)

“I’m shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don’t have that.”

Britney Spears, after her wardrobe malfunction (2009)
“OMG my pussy is hanging out.”

[osreb]

99 Words for Boobs.

Robert Lund's recording of this song:

Jugs and orbs and darts and gourds
Elmer Fudds and bouncing Buddhas
Sweater stretchers, lung protectors
Beach umbrellas, frost detectors
Scooby Snacks and snake-eyes dice
Jell-o molds and high-beam lights
Every day I probably use
99 words for boobs

Humpty Dumplings, Hardy Boys
Double lattes, Ode to Joys
Hooters, shooters, physics tutors
Bobbsey Twins and bald commuters
Double-WMD's
MRE's and PFD's
Snow-white dwarfs, Picasso cubes
99 words for boobs

Gerber servers, holy grails
Whoopee cushions, humpback whales
Flying saucers, traffic stoppers
Super Big Gulps, Double Whoppers
Pillows, billows, Don DeLillos
Soft-serve cones and armadillos
Pimped-out hubcaps, inner tubes
99 words for boobs

Midget earmuffs, warming globes
Strobes and probes and frontal lobes
Knockers, honkers, knicker bonkers
Smurfs and Screaming Yellow Zonkers
Tannin' cannons, Mister Bigs
Big bad wolves and Porky Pigs
Jogging partners, saline noobs
99 words for boobs

Two-point jumpers, Bambi's thumpers
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Rutabagas, Chi Omegas
Schwag the showgirls show in Vegas
Congo bongos, bowling pins
Fast-pitch softballs, siamese twins
Your claims I'm breast-obsessed are true
We're quite a pair 'cause I'm a boob too

Listen here:

http://www.livevideo.com/video/87F08...ords-for-.aspx

[osreb]

The 2009 Darwin Awards...

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn'tdiscovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the sn*tcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the sn*tcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID --- to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at
5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose in to the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless, of course, one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember.... They walk among us!!! And They Breed !!

[osreb]

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist,
Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:"

The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

[osreb]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. **

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.***

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' **

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed r@pe charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' ***

[Kariba]

Call me a sick fuck if you like, but I think this is a great thread

And I only read it for the articles

[captdave]

I love this thread, always puts a smile on my face. Photos are preety good too!

[osreb]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.

It's called Trydixagain.

[osreb]

*The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.

The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of
decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."

Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a
$20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said,
"Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.." *
**

[osreb]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, English singer-songwriter from Liverpool , who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable.

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of
mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in ? your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b*tch stole ma wallet !"

Scouser: Resident of Liverpool, England. Inhabitants of Liverpool are called Liverpudlians, but are more often described by the slang term Scousers. They are heavily stereotyped as being thieves and scum.