my favs

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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, f*ck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a55hole, I'm drowning

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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In the Summer of 1958 Robbie goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty cool guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Robbie.

Carrie's father asks Robbie what they're planning to do.

Robbie replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Robbie, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Robbies eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Robbie escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT, DADDY... THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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Ups - my bad

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I forgot that never happened back then

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By the way, thanks ratdog1

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What do you think of these ladies?

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I'd go see them in action

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And now for something different