April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Dear Abby Stumped!

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!

[osreb]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, Died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, Went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, Was released from prison To die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, Died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, Also committed suicide

However,

In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
And the winner of the most important golf tournament,
The US Open,
Was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
Died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
At the time of his death..

The Moral:

Fuck work. Play golf.

[osreb]

Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the
store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi
puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the
street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their
clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her
husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her
husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the
glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and
they are still naked.

Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!"

[osreb]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck...

[osreb]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[osreb]

What Life Is All About

Life is all about ass ... think about it.
You're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or behaving it like one!

[osreb]

10 Laws That Prove The World Is Nuts


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to do things with animals that I just don’t want to write about here, however the animals must be female. Having a bit of ‘hows your father’ with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only ‘in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’

(Is America a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

[osreb]

Marx brothers classic comeback witticisms

Chico Marx

Chico (correctly pronounced "chick-oh") Marx, the oldest of the brothers, got his famous nickname from his penchant for chasing young women (i.e., chicks) early in his life. Although the Marx Brothers made millions over the years, Chico was often in financial straits because of a lifelong gambling problem (his wife Betty insisted that they rent rather than own a home for fear of Chico's losing their house in a card game). Over the years, his interest in the ladies also created a few marital problems. At a club one night, Betty angrily accused Chico of kissing another woman on the dance floor. His defense may not have convinced his wife, but it has pleased language lovers ever since:


"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth."



Groucho Marx

From 1950 to 1961, Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" was one of the most popular shows on television. In addition to being a perfect vehicle for Groucho's quick wit, the show featured several gimmicks that became part of television history (a little bird that appeared whenever a contestant uttered "the magic word" and the question, "Who is buried in Grant's tomb?"). Shot before a live audience, Groucho would typically interview contestants for a short while before moving onto the quiz portion of the show. However, so many of Groucho's quips were off-color or risqué that it generally took to up to two hours to produce enough suitable material for a half-hour show. One night, a contestant revealed that he was the father of ten children. When Groucho asked "Why so many children?" the man answered, "Well, Groucho, I love my wife." Marx hesitated for a moment, panned to the audience in his inimitable manner, and then delivered one of the most famous lines never to be actually broadcast on the show:


"I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

[osreb]

Updated version of an old little Johnny joke

EARLY DISMISSAL


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[osreb]

Why men don't write advice columns.

May have to click on pic 1 to enlarge in order to read it.