Holiday Decorations

[jason4866]

Here's the tree I'd like to be under!

[osreb]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ...


Who's jolly and cute, Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

[osreb]

in pantyhose

[osreb]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[osreb]

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?


Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of ...


"Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree":


1. "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue ..."


2. "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."


3. "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"


4. "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."


5. "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."


6. "Give me that!"


7. "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggie thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."


8. "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"


9. "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"


10. "Have you been drinking?"


11. "Where's the cat?"

[jason4866]

Originally Posted by osreb

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?


Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of ...


"Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree":


1. "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue ..."


2. "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."


3. "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"


4. "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."


5. "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."


6. "Give me that!"


7. "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggie thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."


8. "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"


9. "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"


10. "Have you been drinking?"


11. "Where's the cat?"

I love the brunette in the black dress. Any more of her?

[osreb]

You've all heard the story
About Rudolph and his nose.
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale
That never has been told.


Well You may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothing yet.
About that crazy Christmas
That the North Pole can't forget.


Rudolph was under the weather.
He had to call in sick.
So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks.


He said, "Santa's really countin' on me
And I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said, "Hey, I'm on my way."
And he jumped in his pickup truck.


When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer snickered and laughed.
They'd never seen a deer in overalls
And a John Deere tractor hat


But Santa stepped in and said, "Just calm down
'Cause we've all got a job to do
And like it or not, Leroy's in charge
And he's gonna be leadin' you."


(Chorus)
And it was Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Deliverin' toys to all the good ole boys
And girls along the way.


He's just a down home, party-animal
Two-stepping across the sky
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell
And made history that night.


Before that night was over
Leroy had changed their tune.
He had 'em scootin' a hoof on every single roof
By the light of a neon moon.
Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie-flag


He was havin' the time of his life.
And you could hear him call
"Merry Christmas ya'll
And to all of ya'll a goodnight."


(Chorus)


And it was Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Deliverin' toys to all the good ole boys
And girls along the way.


He's just a down home, party-animal
Two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell
And made history that night.


He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell
And made history that night.

[osreb]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps.?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says," God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12

Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[osreb]

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
***
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
***
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play!
They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas

[osreb]

Have you ever wondered where the traditions we have at Christmas time came from? I have, and in my travels and research, here are the answers that I found! I hope you enjoy reading about them as much as I have, and that you might learn something new about the Christmas season!


Christmas Stockings
The tradition comes from a Christmas story of St Nicholas. In the 1800's, when the father of three young maidens could not afford a dowry for his daughters to be married. From his castle, St Nicholas heard of the poor misfortune of the maidens and secretly threw a bag of coins down their chimney. It is said that the gold coins landed in the girls stockings that were hanging in the fireplace to dry.
Later children in Holland would leave out their wooden shoes in hopes that St Nicholas would fill them with goodies.

Christmas wreaths
Christmas wreaths combine two symbols of everlasting life. The evergreen bough, that stays green all winter and a continuous unbroken circular shape.

Santa Claus
The real Santa Claus was Saint Nicholas a fourth century Bishop in Turkey. Famous for acts of kindness, especially towards children, he eventually became popular in Holland, where he was known as "Sinter Klaas". Around 1870, the Americans turned the name into Santa Claus.
In nineteenth century Britain the Elizabethan character Father Christmas - the jolly old man imagined to provide the Christmas feast - merged with Santa.
Up to 1890, he was sometimes depicted as tall and thin, wearing green or brown as often as red. Santa's present appearance was created by Swedish artist Jenny Nystrom in a series of Christmas cards. Fellow Swede Haddon Sundblom helped universalise the new image when he adopted Nystrom's ideas for Coca-Cola's advertising campaign - Santa matched Coke's red-and-white logo. Sundblom also refined the character, making his body a little fatter and giving him his herd of flying reindeer.
The idea of Santa Claus entering people's homes by dropping down the chimney comes from American Scholar Clement Moore's famous 1822 poem A Visit from St Nicholas.

Christmas Cards
Sir Henry Cole, a publisher and innovator who founded London's Victoria & Albert museum and was influential in setting up the Royal College of Music, the Albert Hall and public lavatories, sent out the first Christmas card in 1843. But the cards, at first handmade and very expensive at a shilling each did not become popular until later in the century.

Christmas Crackers
Tom Smith, a confectioner in London started to develop Christmas crackers in the 1840's. They began as individually wrapped lollies, like the ones Tom had seen on sale in Paris. Then Chinese fortune cookies gave him the idea of putting a love motto in the wrapping.
Some years later, watching a log crackling in the fire, he had the further idea of adding a crack. Tom's cracking sweets, called cosaques, appeared in 1870.
He later swapped the sweets for metal charms, and by 1900, an annual 13 million Christmas crackers were sold worldwide. Today the Tom Smith Group produces 50 million crackers a year.

Christmas Lights
In the early seventeenth century, Germans began bringing trees indoors at Christmas and decorating them with candles. It was the German Prince Albert who popularised the Christmas tree in Britain after putting one up at Windsor Castle in 1840. Over the next 20 years, candlelit trees became popular, the lights symbolising rebirth.
In 1882 the first electrically lit Christmas tree was set up in the New York home of a friend of the inventor Thomas Edison; it had 80 bulbs and cost a small fortune. Even when strings of lights were produced commercially in 1903, they cost an average American's weekly wage.

Candles
Ancient Romans lit candles to ward off evil, and to convince the sun to shine again. In Victorian times, candles came to represent good will for those less fortunate during the holiday season. Candles were often placed in windows during the Christmas season as a sign to those passing by that shelter and warmth could be found within.

Christmas Holly
Druids believed that holly, with its shiny leaves and red berries stayed green in Winter to keep the earth beautiful when the sacred oak lost it leaves. They wore sprigs of holly in their hair when they went into the forest to watch their priests cut the sacred mistletoe. Holly was the sacred plant of Saturn and was used at the Roman Saturnalia festival to honor him. Romans gave one another holly wreaths and carried them about decorating images of Saturn with it. Centuries later, in December, while other Romans continued their pagan worship, Christians celebrated the birth of Jesus . To avoid persecution, they decked their homes with Saturnalia holly. As Christian numbers increased and their customs prevailed, holly lost its pagan association and became a symbol of Christmas.

Christmas Mistletoe
Mistletoe is an aerial parasite plant that has no roots of its own and lives off the tree it attaches itself to. Without the tree it would die. Mistletoe was thought to be sacred by ancient Europeans. Druid priests employed it in their sacrifices to the gods while Celtic people felt it possessed miraculous healing powers. In fact, in the Celtic language mistletoe means "all-heal".
Later, the eighteenth-century English credited mistletoe not with miraculous healing powers, but with a certain magical appeal called a kissing ball. At Christmas time a young woman standing under a ball of mistletoe, brightly trimmed with evergreens, ribbons, and ornaments, cannot refuse to be kissed. Such a kiss could mean deep romance or lasting friendship and goodwill. If the woman remains unkissed, she cannot expect to marry the following year. Whether we believe it or not, it is always fun at Christmas celebrations.

The Poinsettia
Dr Joel Poinsett, the country's first ambassador to Mexico, brought the fire red flower to the United States more than 100 years ago. Mexico's legend of the Poinsettia tells of a poor Mexican girl Maria and her little brother Pablo. The two children loved the annual Mexican Christmas festival with its large Manger scene, but each year they were disappointed that they had no money to buy a present for the baby Jesus.
One Christmas eve Maria and Pablo stopped to pick some weeds growing along the roadside on their way to church, to give to the baby Jesus. The other children chided them for their gift, but Maria and Pablo knew their gift was from the heart, and it was all they could give. As they began to place the weeds around the Manger, the green-top leaves miraculously turned into bright red petals. Soon the Manger was surrounded by the beautiful star-shaped flowers we love too see during the holidays.


The Christmas Tree
People often wonder where the custom of having a tree in the home during Christmas time comes from. We will probably never know for sure. But there are many historical clues that point out where this custom came from.
Thousands or years ago, there were people who believed that evergreen trees were magical. Even in winter, when all the other trees and were brown and bare, the evergreen tree stayed strong and green. People saw the evergreen as a symbol of life and as a sure sign that sunshine and spring would soon return. Candles, or the electric lights we use to decorate our trees today, are also an ancient symbol. They represent the light of spring overcoming the darkness of winter.
So when did the Christmas tree go indoors? Legend has it that the tradition was begun by Martin Luther in Germany. He was a monk and church reformer who lived from 1483 to 1546. According to the legend, Luther was returning home one wintry night when he saw the stars twinkling in the sky through the tree branches. Luther was amazed by the sight, and when he arrived home, he was eager to tell his family about it. To help them understand, he went to the woods and cut down a small fir tree. Luther brought it indoors and decorated it with candles, which represented the stars he had seen.
The custom spread in Germany, and from there all over the world. In England, the Christmas tree first appeared when Queen Victoria married Albert, a German Prince. In 1841, Albert set up a Christmas tree at Windsor Castle near London to remind him of his homeland. The Christmas tree custom was brought to the United States by people from England as well as by many German immigrants who came in the 1800's. Whatever its origin, the Christmas tree is a beautiful symbol for everyone who celebrates Christmas.

Christmas Turkey
Turkeys came into England from Mexico in 1526, when Yorkshire man William Strickland bought six from American Indian traders and sold them in Bristol for two pence each.
Edward VII made eating turkey at Christmas fashionable, but it remained a luxury until the 1950's.

Christmas Nativities
The Christmas crib was first popularised by St Francis of Assisi, who set up a simple manger scene at the little town of Greccio in Italy in 1224. It included a real manger and straw, a live ox and an ass, and local villagers who took the parts of Mary, Joseph and the Shepherds. The ceremony proved so popular it was repeated each year.