[Request] sex in marriage

[PuffyNips]

A very thought-provoking thread. I thank you guys for sharing your situations.

My wife doesn't do sex. I've written about it before. In five years of marriage we had sex four times, and then it went downhill... LOL.

It's absurd and complicated. I should point out I'm not a mean person. I'm very reasonable. I'm pleasant and respectful to her. People in general seems to like my company. I'm not physically repulsive. The lack of sex stems from something in her.

But I did make some headway recently. There was an incident that led to her changing her ways, at least a little bit.

Her sister was going to Barbados with her husband. My wife wanted us to go also. I pointed out how she never has sex with me and hasn't been a very willing wife in that way. She started screaming and acting nasty. This was her usual response when I brought up the lack of sex.

So I walked away while saying, "See, I said nothing mean. I was only being factual. We haven't has sex in I dunno, two years. And when I try to discuss it, you yell at me. This is why your sister will be going to Barbados, and you won't."

She thought about this for a while and then came back to me. She was apologetic. She said I was right. She said she wanted to make it up to me. The trip was in eight weeks. She made an offer. What if she had sex with me once a week for the next eight weeks, would I then take her to Barbados?

I said yes. Fine. That would be wonderful.

Then I waited for the sex to begin. First week went by. Nothing. I reminded her of the deal. She said she'd been too busy, but she'd make it up to me by doing it twice in the second week.

The second week went by. Nothing. She said she was so busy talking to her sister about the trip and what we would do when there, that she didn't have time for sex.... but she would make it up to me in the third week...

You get the idea. Eight weeks went by with no sex.

Two days before the scheduled trip she had suitcases laid out on the bed with clothes in them. I asked what she was doing. She said she was packing for the big trip.

I said, "But we aren't going. I thought you knew that. It was your decision not to go. We made a deal for sex once a week for eight weeks. You didn't have sex with me at all. I thought that was you deciding it wasn't worth it and you didn't want to go anymore, so I canceled the reservations."

Pow.

She was livid. She was tearful. She was apologetic. She was livid again. She hopped back and forth with her emotions.

She tried to say she would make it up to me and have sex once we were in Barbados. LOL.

I said, "No, too late, we have no reservations anymore. It's over. We can't go. You sister will be there, but you won't. Oh well, it was your choice."

She became very sullen for a month. Lots of mysterious phone calls with her friends behind closed doors. Then oddly, she brought up the idea of sex. And we did it. First time in forever. Now for this past year we've been doing it once a month. We've had more sex in this past year then in our prior 16 years of marriage.

Is this her realizing life isn't all about her and what she wants? I doubt it. I sense it's more akin to a prostitute realizing she won't get paid until she puts out. But for now, I'll take it with the hope that one day she'll realize what it means to be a good wife.

[Tifosi]

It was good that you stuck to your guns on the deal! Well done! Life is way too short for all that. I do hope it gets better for you!

[rednose]

usually they will fuck you for the trip.

[piecenick]

I think you are in a tough position, I likely wouldn't want to have sex with someone who obviously didn't enjoy it, but I can understand why you did what you had to do. I think your wife need serious therapy.

[naaktstel]

Didn't her sister ask why she didn't come?
You could tell the truth. Maybe her sister can talk her to reason.

[Kylelock2002]

Originally Posted by 1rustywood

Talk about the blues. I need advise! how about 25 years of sexual frustration and pain! My wife has issues with what I suspect is a direct result of abusive unloving parents. Add to that a conservative Victorian frigid mother and a playboy porn addicted father.
After years of attempting to sexually satisfy her I have given up this year. I have made no advances all year. She has not once even mentioned sex. I bet she is relieved I stopped trying. that way, she no longer has to suffer through it. Can you imagine not getting any enjoyment from sex at all! She claims she enjoys the "closeness" but nothing else. I have been a giving lover to the extreme. There is nothing I can do to turn her on. I have tried, asked, and everything else for decades.
But do you know what is worse than never being able to turn on your lover? How about a lover that makes absolutely no effort to give back anything sexual. A kiss goodbye and a hug is all she desires. She never touches me, bones and joints gross her out. She never gives a handjob or God forgive a bj. She tried it a few times but just couldn't get past the precum that seeps out. I remember her giving me one handjob to completion in the ninties, on advise from a therapist when intercourse was stopped until she could get past the pain of penetration. It was the only time I came outside of her vagina. She had the deer in the headlights look on her face! I had more sex in a year with a prior gf than in my 25 years married! No lie!
The problem is I do love her. She is a great person and fun to be with. She just cant overcome this. Weve been to good therapists but they really do nothing but depress her beyond being daily functional.
Bet nobody can top that!

I am in the same boat you are in. Been married for 34 years now and haven't had any type of sexual relations with my wife for the past 5 years now. Before that... it was maybe once a year. Years ago... when we were trying to have a kid... it was anytime and all the time!!! Of course that was because my wife had a reason for doing it. It wasn't for the pleasure.. if was for the natural purpose of creating a baby. She would even measure her temperature and all that bullshit... and call me at work and say you need to come home right now... the TIMING is just right.

She say's no to the following... but I really think that her parents screwed her up. They were the type of people that said Sex is nasty, you don't do that, etc. Her mother was a germ freak and it carried over. Washes her hands every two seconds... won't touch anything that seems dirty, unless she picks it up with a papertowel or tissue.

I'm 56 now... so thinking about getting a divorce is not really one of my options financially. I just live with it and look at a lot of porn on the web. At least I have a hand that can take care of my release... but it would be nice
to have my wifes warm hand around me to get me off.

For those of you out there that have partners that are very sexually fulfilling... I congratulate you and tell you to hang on to them!!!

[mikee45]

it really turns me on the thought about it

[mikee45]

its sunday darling time to fuck

[mythryl1969]

Not to be mean, but...

If you accept being treated a certain way, you communicate that you agree with the treatment. The longer you accept it the more you reinforce that perception until you get to a point where the person giving you that treatment would be legitimately shocked to hear you object.

Please keep in mind that I am not talking about the absolute morality of how you are being treated - for instance, wife abuse is never okay no matter how long a woman 'accepts' it - but it is an undeniable truth that part of what helps perpetuate that cycle is the inability of the victim to break themselves free from the abuse.

Make no mistake: Short of some type of medical development or physical handicap, having your wife refuse sex with you for even a month is a serious presumption on your relationship; when you start talking about multiple months or even years you are absolutely talking about emotional abuse and a rejection of the fundamentals of a true marital relationship. You aren't a husband and wife at that point regardless of whatever reasons that you continue to cling to the titles. Kids, economics, whatever it is or however significant the reason is. Remember that ideally marriage precedes all of those things and establishes the foundation for supporting those things, not the other way around. A physically intimate relationship is absolutely one of the cornerstones of a marriage and it separates 'just friends' from 'lovers', and if two people are not lovers then they have no business being married. If sex wasn't important to marriage, after all, then why the hell would anyone have EVER cared about sex before marriage anyway?

In the end, it is up to you to decide how much abuse you are willing and able to tolerate. Just verbalizing your objections is meaningless if you don't back them up with action because your actions will always speak loudest. PuffyNips story is a perfect example of that principle in action; as long as she thought he was still just talking nothing changed. It was only when he proved that it was more than talk that she was forced to decide.

And yes, she might decide the sex isn't worth it and dump you. But then if that's true, you aren't losing your wife; you aren't even getting dumped. All that is happening then is that your roommate is moving out.

[dr_pepper1942]

My third wife was a real fun lady. She was nearly my age but really had a thing for older men. While working at a corner gas station, she became friends with an older guy who's wife was having medical issues and had given up on sex a few years earlier. Over time they got to be pretty good friends and I even met him and he was a nice guy. In his work, there were times when he had to stay over night away from home. He finally got the nerve to ask if she would go with him on one of these trips. When she mentioned it, I said go for it and have fun. We did have a somewhat open relationship. So he had a fun companion on his trip and some good sex to make it even better. To this day he still doesn't believe that I was happy they were doing the trips. The first one led to others, as I hoped. Usually a while after the trip, I would get the details. Most important, they were good friends and had a great time together. They were basically fuck buddies. I never minded because she was a fun lady and at times when we fucked, I knew that her friend had been in her a short time earlier. We all hated rubbers, so it was even better.

I have always hoped to have something on the side like this, but at least she got to enjoy the fun.

Side note, her 40 year old daughter also had a thing for older men, and her and I were very close, but never went that far.