April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

**George Carlins Views on Aging

**Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

**'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

**You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

**'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

**But then you turn 30. Ooooh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a
sour-dumpling... What's wrong? What's changed?

**You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
dreams are gone...

**But! Wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

**So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.

**You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

**You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

**Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

**May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

**HOW TO STAY YOUNG

**01. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

**02. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

**03. Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the
devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.

**04. Enjoy the simple things.

**05. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

**06. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who
is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

**07. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

**08. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

**09. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

**10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

**AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

**Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

[chuckie497]

Thanks Reb!

This is a stunning shot..I like it!

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...8&d=1259638738

C

[osreb]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,
for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

beats a Pair -

no matter how big they are.

[osreb]

The best of Tiger Woods jokes:

1.Tiger hit a tree and a fire hydrant-- couldn't decide between a wood or an iron!

2. Maybe Tiger should have used a driver?

3. The only person who can beat Tiger with golf clubs is his wife.

4. What does Tiger have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Swedes!

5. What were Tiger and his wife doing out at 2 in the morning? "Clubbing"

6. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

7. Elin found out he’s not a Tiger, he’s a Cheetah.

8. Tiger just hates it when he drives, and then his balls hit a tree.

9. Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

10. Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It’s typical of a golfer—always blame the caddy.

[osreb]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison...."


1st 4 pics are from a series titled: Only In Asia

[osreb]

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered ****.You must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered ****.You must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...2&d=1259973939

How adorable is this girl? I mean, come on!

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

[osreb]

Porno movie flow chart.

(Click on 1st pic and then enlarge to read the chart)

[osreb]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?