April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Bob and Mary Smith were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Ball.

Mary had a terrible headache the night of the party, and told Bob to go
without her. Bob, a devoted husband, protested, but Mary argued, saying she
was going to take two aspirin and go to bed. There was no need for her
husband to miss out on a good time.

So, he took his costume and away he went.
After an hour's nap, Mary awoke feeling great! It was still early... she
decided to go the party.
Having kept her costume a secret from her husband, Mary decided to have a
little fun. She would see how Bob behaved when she was not with him.


Mary joined the party and soon spotted her husband on the dance floor,
dancing with every chick that he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. Mary sidled up to him.She was no slouch in the Babe department.

Wearing her most seductive smile, she easily got his attention. He left his
latest partner high and dry and devoted his attentions to the new stuff that had
just arrived. Mary let him go as far as he wished; he was, after all, her
husband. When he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off
they went to the parking lot, and the first back seat they could find.

As the clock chimed midnight, Mary slipped away without revealing her
identity. She went home, put her costume away and got into bed. Mary was
more than curious as to how Bob was going to describe his evening.
She grabbed a book and pretended to be reading when he came home.

Casually, she asked what kind of evening he had had. "Oh, the same old
thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she
asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I tell you, I never danced a dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and Charlie. We went into the den and
played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

[osreb]

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........ 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

A SHORT LOVE STORY

Larger version of that last one. Cute pic!

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Murphy's Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes
the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a
man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
_+_+_+_

[osreb]

Abbott and Costello on Computers

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! Look, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. what do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

[osreb]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Newoundland rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

[chuckie497]

Thanks Reb for the humor and hot babes! It's always enjoyed.....

[osreb]

I want to live my next life backwards:






You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

[Sinister Minister]

Great thread

[osreb]

Three women are talking about their boyfriends.

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm giving him a blow job!"

"You know what?" replies Jenny, "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third girl.

"That's disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the girls pipes up. "A good blow job is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!"

She says she'll think about it.

The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blow job novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the first girl asks, "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she said.

"What on earth for?!" the second girl asks.

"I don't know," she replied. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard's are so cold!"


__._,_.___