my favs

[bbgapril]

5 Kinds of Sex
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.....

[bbgapril]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say,
'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully.
After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late,
and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them,
so she got up in the middle of the bus and said,
"Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her,
"Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[bbgapril]

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was a slovenly housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the dirt and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and told his hostess so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over the minister carried the plates into the kitchen where the hostess opened the back door took out the plates and shouted to her dogs: "Here Soap, Here Water!"

[bbgapril]

what's green and slimy and hangs from trees?

gorilla snot.

[bbgapril]

THERE ONCE WAS A LADY NAMED ALICE
WHO USED DYNAMITE STICKS AS A PHALLUS
THEY FOUND HER VAGINA IN NORTH CAROLINA
AND BITS OF HER TITS IN DALLAS

[bbgapril]

A meteorite has just landed on the small Russian town of Tcheliabinsk injuring several hundred people and damaging several buildings.

As a result President Vladimir Putin calls President Obama with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has been severely damaged!" the Russian President cries;
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replies the President.

"Indeed, I do need your help," says Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", says Obama.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?", says Putin.

"Yes?", replies the President.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" says Putin.

[bbgapril]

"No problem," replies the President and with that Obama hangs up and calls the President of Trojan condoms.

"I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," says the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," says the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SMALL SIZE' on each one."

[bbgapril]

So, now for the question of the day

[bbgapril]

Is it OK to call someone you love a dumbass?

[bbgapril]

I appreciate it when someone I love tells me when I am being one, but that's just me.