April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.



As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the

aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman

hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big

brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man

can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take orders

from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch'

***** BURNING MAN PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina



__._,_.___

[osreb]

-----

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

[osreb]

The police arrested Jack Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a
pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Halloween night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin
is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Damn Jack responded... Is it midnight already?'



This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best
Come Back Line Ever.'*

[osreb]

boy from Saskatchewan

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says , 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!'

[osreb]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"'Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[osreb]

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

Remembering Bob Hope


ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'



Give me a sense of humor Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.

[osreb]

Enjoy


This biker has always dreamed of owning a brand new Harley
Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money, so he
goes down to the dealer to trade in his old rusty Harley on a
brand new model. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer
tells him about an old biker trick to keep the chrome on his new
bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do
is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome
before it rains, and everything will be fine.

He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.
He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he
picks her up on this Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family
tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the
dishes.

After a delicious dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for
the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the
dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of
her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and
has sex with her in front of everyone.

No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws
HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in
the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his
Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls
out his jar of Vaseline.

The father jumps up and says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[osreb]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.



PRICELESS

[osreb]

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. He has excessive hair growing in his ears. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. Get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy.


So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."