April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[osreb]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer :
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .
.
.
.
.
.

That, my friends, is Globalization

[onlyheubsch]

Hey this thread is still rocking !!

big thanks

[thejizzler]

> > Teaching maths in 1970
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> > His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
> > What is his profit?
> >
> > 2. Teaching Maths In 1980
> > A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> > His cost of production is 80% of the price.
> > What is his profit?
> >
> > 3. Teaching Maths In 1990
> > A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> > His cost of production is £80.
> > How much was his profit?
> >
> > 4. Teaching Maths In 2000
> > A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
> > His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
> > Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
> >
> > 5. Teaching Maths In 2005
> > A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
> >
> > 6. Teaching Maths In 2009
> > A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns t o find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
> >
> > Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
> >
> > 7. Teaching Maths In 2010
> > A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lo rry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior dire ctors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
> > The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
> > Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted ra cist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay C21,500 registration fees as a gang master.
> >
> > The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
> > You do the maths.
> >
> > 8. Teaching Maths 2017
> > أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
> > الثمن. ما 7و الربح له؟

[osreb]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out My Margarita.

They're such asses ...

[osreb]

Nothin' like good ole Irish humor...

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

[osreb]

Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Jane: What did you say?

Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"

[osreb]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour fondling his testicles--something she seemed to love to do.

As he enjoyed it, he turned and asked, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because," she replied, "I miss mine..."



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

-----------

[osreb]

Will the Dollar Fall?*


*Financial Crisis!*


*
**The question all Markets are asking is:*


*
**Will the Dollar fall or not?*


*


**


**The moral is: be a Tight Ass.**
*

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister Noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease..

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.