April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of
the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from
here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

[osreb]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

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[osreb]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
*

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'


Donald frowned and said, 'No.'


Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.


'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.*


***
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they
had condoms.


'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?


'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate.'

[osreb]

This happened a while ago in Dublin . And even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly,
he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to
realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the frightening experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one of the fellows said to the other,
'Look Paddy...There's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!'

[osreb]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said , 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

***** ONE CLICK VICKY PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

The Economy: How Bad Is It?

1. The economy is so bad... that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. The economy is so bad... that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. The economy is so bad... if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. The economy is so bad... McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. The economy is so bad... parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. The economy is so bad... a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

9. The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

11. The economy is so bad... the Mafia is laying off judges.

12. The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 435 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

[osreb]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!' said the Pope 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my lottery win' said the photographer 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera. 'How much did it cost you?'
Not being one to lie the Pope replied'...two million dollars...
'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' replied the housekeeper. 'They must have seen you coming!'

[osreb]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

[osreb]

I found it...

17 miles North of Wisconsin ,

in Michigan 's Upper Peninsula , there it was.

And you thought there was no such place,

huh?

and did you notice they have carry out?

[osreb]

cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He then notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing indecent is happening! The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."