April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

* Why did the Grammar teacher slap Santa's Son?
B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items n PANTIES Plural when it Covers one item?

* Define contraceptive pill?
It’s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

* Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It’s only when u leave her a virgin!

* Great door signs:
Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.

* Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad.. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.


* Similarity between a dick & matchstick?
Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightiest friction, both fizzle out after showing valour for 2secs !!!

[osreb]

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.


He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as....








Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff. I receive it and then post it on OCC

[osreb]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited andÊasked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's me ssage to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message the elder wanted sent to the moon:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND.

[osreb]

Whether you are a country music fan or not, these are truly the words of a deep thinker and highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!


Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his
75th birthday.

Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

Read below and digest carefully...






"I have outlived my pecker"

[thejizzler]

Originally Posted by osreb

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...

(DUHHHH)

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her).

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ball's when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out!

[osreb]

Yeah...I love rock music...One time I thought I'd try my hand on being the lead singer of a rock band. I praticed & praticed day & night until the special day arrived for my big debut. I took the stage and stared at the crowd and got stage fright and couldn't remember the song lyrics. In the moment of panic, I squatted down, close my eyes and tried to get the lyrics to come to me. Alas, it didnt work. BUT....the crowd loved me and kept cheering and cheering. OMG!!!..I was a big hit without singing a single note. Isn't that strange???

[osreb]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Send this to five bright, funny women you know.

[osreb]

Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk, worth 70 points or
none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A!




__._,_.___

[osreb]

Fucking, Austria:

Are the residents called Fuckers?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School?

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend?

What do you ask a pedestrian when you want to mail a letter, "Excuse me, where's the Fucking Post Office?"

And, perhaps, it's just like in America...you can never find the Fucking Police when you need them!

NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FUCKING

[osreb]

A professor at the University of Tennessee was giving a lecture on the
supernatural.. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously..
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience."

The skinny redneck student responded with a nod and a grin, and began
to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room,
the professor says,

"So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shee-iit!! From way back there I thought you said goats."