April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Newly Discovered Element.
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.

Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0.
However, it has 01 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert.
Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium's sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "critical morass."
You will recognize it when it occurs.

[osreb]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER STRESSED!!

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[osreb]

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the " fires".



(NOW FOR THE BEST PART...)



After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

[rt829]

Several men are in the locker room of a Golf Club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello".

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

THIS IS MY FRIEND DEE....

[osreb]

begiining to think noone else hada joke or funny post to share.
*************************************************

Dates with Different Ladies.

AMERICAN WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her good night.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
Is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.


MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
The back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in.
One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother,
All of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
Her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in
And
You live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice,
But now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.
No third date!!!


LEBANESE WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress
Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier.

[madahab]

I don't want my Jewish girl friends to feel left out So I'll offer this:

JEWISH GIRLS:
First date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress. You get to finger her but she won't touch you..
Second Date:
You get a blowjob.
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier - or else you marry her and never get a blowjob again.

Just kidding, that was only a few of them. I was fortunate enough to have a few Jewish girls choose me to relieve them of their virginity.

My Chinese girl story is a little different, but for the guys who knew her before me that was right on the money! Love ya til I die, shmoopsie.

[osreb]

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' Are - my - test - results - back ?

[osreb]

Some gay humor:

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the two gays, she points out the
happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when
we pull the pacifier out of his ass,

************************************************** ****************

Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[tarcmeridian]

Originally Posted by osreb

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

I hate to be a party pooper, but this is an urban myth.

[osreb]

Jesus,who was he?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

He went into his fathers business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN

His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He set up his HQ in Rome

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He could'nt get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A HIPPY

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He had to feed a crowd,at a moments notice,from a few leftovers
He kept trying to get his message across to a bunch of men who just did'nt get it
Even when he was dead,he had to get up because there was more work to do

***** ONE CLICK VICKY PIC REMOVED *****