Our Journey

[RealWithRy]

Originally Posted by nectcouple

Welcome Ry!

I just wanted to weigh in and say that this an awesome beginning to what just might become my favorite thread of all time and I have been a member here for 13 years. Your writing style proves that although you may have met your future husband in english class, you were still paying attention to your lessons! I very much enjoy reading about the emotional and psychological side of things from your perspective as well as that of your husband. Of course, the sexy side of the story is important, too. That's why we're all here, right? Lol!

If you read any of my posts, you will see that although my wife and I are in an unconventional situation too, our story is completely different than yours in that she only has one other sexual partner besides me. He is a friend of mine and we actually met here on OCC long before they became lovers.

I don't want to distract from your thread but I wanted to let you know that I am enjoying your thread very much and I'll be following along as long as you keep adding to it!

Thank you so much for your kind words! Comments like yours honestly mean a lot to both of us.

Your compliment about my writing made me smile. I actually started out studying creative writing before I had to step away from school when my husband got his current job and life took us in a different direction. I didn't get very far in the program, but I always loved writing, so it's incredibly encouraging to hear that people enjoy reading what I put together. My husband's degree is in business, so our educational backgrounds are pretty different, but I think that balance helps us tell our story from two unique perspectives.

I'm also really glad that the emotional and psychological aspects have resonated with you. We wanted this to be more than just the "sexy" parts, those are certainly part of our story, but the conversations, growth, and emotions behind everything are what have made this journey meaningful for us.

And no worries at all about mentioning your own experience! One of the things I enjoy most is seeing how different everyone's journey can be. There isn't just one path, and it's always interesting to hear how other couples have found what works for them.

Thank you again for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment and for following along. Knowing people are enjoying the thread definitely motivates us to keep sharing!

[RealWithRy]

Before I continue sharing stories from our journey, I'd like to talk about something that happened fairly early on that I now look back on as one of our biggest learning experiences. Thankfully, it has a happy ending, but it easily could have gone differently. It's one of those moments that helped shape many of the rules and safety practices we follow today.

At that point, we were still fairly new to the lifestyle. We were excited, curious, and admittedly a little naive. We had been fortunate enough to have mostly positive experiences, so I think we were beginning to believe that everyone we met had good intentions. Looking back now, I realize we were relying on luck more than good judgment.

I had gotten to know a man through the lifestyle. We had talked enough that I felt comfortable around him, but in reality, I didn't know him nearly as well as I convinced myself I did. One evening he invited me to take the bus into the city with him to spend the night at a friend of his apartment. It sounded like an adventure, and after talking it over with my husband, we decided to give it a try.

The apartment itself was very nice, and everyone I met was friendly and welcoming. As the evening went on, though, I realized there were a lot more people coming and going than I had expected. Over the course of the night, I met around 20 different men. I was intimate with 8 of them, while the others were simply socializing, stopping by, or hanging out with the group.

What stood out to me far more than the number of people was the atmosphere in the apartment. It was a group of bachelors who all seemed to have an unspoken understanding that they could simply walk into any room without knocking. People would open the bedroom door, step inside, say hello, continue conversations, or just pass through as if it were completely normal.

At the time, I didn't think much of it because everyone was polite and respectful. I remember lying in bed wearing only a lingerie top, chatting with people as they came and went. It all felt surprisingly casual in the moment.

Looking back now, though, I see it very differently.

I was in a strange city, a good distance from home, surrounded by people I barely knew. I had placed an incredible amount of trust in someone I had only known for a short time. Every time the bedroom door opened, I had no idea who was about to walk through it. While nothing inappropriate happened, I was in an extremely vulnerable position, and I hadn't fully appreciated that until much later.

Around three in the morning I finally drifted off to sleep. When I woke up around five, there were a couple of men in the room that I hadn't even met earlier in the evening. They simply looked over, smiled, said "Hi," and continued talking among themselves. They weren't threatening or disrespectful in any way, but waking up in an unfamiliar apartment with strangers in the room was unsettling. That was probably the first moment when I thought to myself, What if this hadn't been a room full of decent people?

To make matters more complicated, the friend I'd traveled with had ended up drinking far too much and wasn't in any condition to get us home. I called my husband, explained what had happened, and, without a second thought, he got in the car and came to pick me up.

When we finally got home, we both slept for a few hours. Later that morning we sat down together and talked about everything. We both came to the same conclusion: nothing bad had happened, but we had taken an unnecessary risk.

That conversation changed the way we approached the lifestyle. We realized there is a big difference between trusting someone and truly knowing someone. We also learned that having a backup plan, maintaining communication, and making sure I'm in an environment where I genuinely feel safe are just as important as trust itself.

Thankfully, this story ends as a lesson instead of a tragedy. It could have gone much differently, and I'm grateful it didn't. Looking back, I don't regret learning from the experience, but I absolutely wouldn't make the same decision today. Sometimes the most valuable stories aren't the exciting ones, they're the ones that teach you how to do better going forward.

There was one more unexpected outcome from that night that ultimately became an absolute joy for our family. That evening ended up resulting in me becoming pregnant, and we later welcomed another child into our lives. While I still look back on some of the decisions we made that night as poor ones from a safety standpoint, I've never viewed our child that way. If anything, it's a reminder that sometimes good things can come from situations that also teach us difficult lessons. I can be grateful for the wonderful addition to our family while also acknowledging that we could have handled the circumstances much more responsibly. Those two feelings aren't contradictory, they've simply become part of the same story.

[RealWithRy]

By 2019, our family looked a little different than it had when this journey first began. I was 25, my husband was 26, and life had settled into a rhythm that revolved around work, parenting, and two little ones. Our oldest was three years old, and our second child, who came from one of the most unexpected nights of our lives when we learned a valuable lesson about my safety, had just celebrated a first birthday.

Looking back, it's amazing how much our priorities had changed. We weren't just a young married couple figuring out an unconventional lifestyle anymore. We were parents first. Every decision had to fit around daycare schedules, nap times, work obligations, and making sure our children always came first.

By then, we had also started realizing something else. While we'd met plenty of nice people over the years, what we really wanted wasn't a long list of casual encounters. We wanted consistency. We wanted someone who could become a trusted friend. Someone who respected our marriage as much as we did.

We hadn't found that person yet.

People often ask what our "type" was. Physically, I've always found black men especially attractive, but that was never a requirement. Attraction is important, but character mattered so much more. Neither of us was looking for someone with a certain job, a certain income, or a certain appearance. We wanted someone who was kind, respectful, patient, communicative, and compassionate. Someone who understood that our marriage always came first and who genuinely cared about building trust over time rather than chasing excitement for a single evening.

As it turned out, finding someone with those qualities was much harder than we expected.

One morning, while my husband was away on a work trip, I decided to grab a latte from our neighborhood coffee shop before running errands. The kids were with the babysitter, and for once I had a quiet morning to myself.

I had quite literally rolled out of bed.

My hair wasn't done, I wasn't wearing makeup, I had thrown on comfortable clothes, and in my rush out the door I hadn't even put my wedding ring back on after getting ready. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. In fact, I probably looked like every other tired mom grabbing caffeine before starting her day.

While I was waiting for my drink, a young man struck up a conversation with me.

Come to find out he was 21.

Normally I wouldn't have expected much beyond casual small talk, but before I knew it he was flirting and eventually asked for my phone number.

The funny part is that I didn't even think about how unusual that was. My first thought wasn't, "I should tell him I'm married." My first thought was simply surprise that someone had approached me at all. I hadn't walked into that coffee shop expecting any attention.

I had errands to run, so we exchanged numbers, wished each other a good day, and I headed on my way.

Over the next few days we texted back and forth. Once we established that there was mutual interest, I explained our situation honestly. I told him I was happily married, explained our lifestyle, and outlined some of the boundaries that mattered most to us. To my surprise, he didn't seem bothered by any of it. He asked thoughtful questions, was respectful, and eventually said he'd like to meet both of us. We all had a phone call together where we discussed everything and we all seemed to hit it off.

Since my husband had Thursday off that week, we invited him over that morning after dropping the kids off at daycare.

Daycare started at seven, and we asked him to come by around nine.

Nine o'clock came and went.

Then nine-fifteen.

Then nine-thirty.

At that point I had pretty much convinced myself we'd been stood up.

My husband, who has always been the calmer one between us, kept reassuring me that maybe he was just running late.

A few minutes later, we hear a car pull into the driveway.

He had come after all.

From the moment he walked through the door, though, something felt...off.

Not bad.

Just awkward.

Looking back, I think all three of us were trying too hard. The conversation felt rehearsed, everyone seemed nervous, and instead of things unfolding naturally, it felt like each of us was wondering what we were supposed to say next.

Sometimes chemistry simply isn't something you can force.

When he finally knocked on the door, I answered looking completely different from the woman he'd met at the coffee shop a few days earlier. That morning at the cafe I'd been makeup-free, wearing casual clothes, with my hair thrown together after practically rolling out of bed. This time, I'd taken the time to get ready. My hair and makeup were done, and I'd changed into lingerie because I wanted us both to make a good first impression and help him feel welcome.

Even so, almost immediately I could tell he was nervous. I'm the kind of person who naturally feeds off the energy of the people around me. When someone is relaxed and conversational, I relax too. But when someone is quiet, reserved, or visibly anxious, I tend to mirror that energy without even realizing it. The conversation felt a little forced, and instead of everyone settling into an easy rhythm, there was an awkwardness that none of us seemed able to shake. Looking back now, I think he was probably just intimidated and understandably nervous meeting a married couple for the first time. In hindsight, I also think we could have been better hosts. We were so focused on wondering whether he was comfortable that we forgot to simply slow down, chat over a cup of coffee, and let everyone get to know each other before expecting things to feel natural.

Anyway, I motioned for him to come sit down on the couch with me. I told him to make himself comfortable. My husband brought him a cup of coffee. He kicked his shoes off and sat there for a few minutes in silence. He didn't say much but eventually I put my hand on his chest and he starts to loosen up. We began kissing but even that felt forced. I had to end up making the first move by slipping my hand in his shorts. That's when I realized he was enjoying it because he was rock hard. He just didn't show it in his demeanor very well. I started stroking it with my hand and he slid his shorts and boxers off. I spread his legs and plant myself in between them and start sucking him off. Of course he is enjoying it but what guy doesn't? I gave him my absolute best head that I knew how to give and he managed to stay hard through it. Next, I get on the couch and spread my legs and told him to come here. I almost had to instruct him on what to do next. Maybe it's because he was a younger guy, but he only lasted maybe 5 minutes. I could tell when he was about to climax and I pulled him close and let him give me a creampie (I'm quite fond of those, LOL) and I don't think he was keen on the idea. I told him I was on birth control and it became less of an issue. It just felt quiet and awkward. At one point my husband got up to start breakfast. I helped him finish breakfast and our friend acted in a hurry to leave. We had to convince him to take a plate of food to go.

I had wondered if we did anything wrong for quite sometime after that and still sometimes wonder.

Afterward, my husband and I both agreed that the connection just wasn't there. There was nothing wrong with him as a person. In fact, he was polite and respectful throughout the entire visit. But there wasn't the easy conversation, laughter, or comfort we'd experienced with older partners. In my own experience, I've generally found it easier to connect with men who have a little more life experience. Age isn't everything, but in this case I think the difference showed.

Over the next few weeks our conversations gradually became less frequent until they eventually stopped altogether. There wasn't any argument or dramatic ending. Life simply moved on.

Even though that meeting didn't turn into what we'd hoped, it reinforced what we were actually searching for.

We didn't just want someone we were attracted to.

We wanted someone who felt like they belonged in our lives, a genuine friend who respected our marriage, cared about our family, communicated openly, and wanted to build trust over time. I'm not saying there is never a time for a wild sex night where we go crazy, but our long term partner was very beneficial to our wife sharing lifestyle, and helped me feel confident and make it easier on me to be more adventurous.

Eventually, we would find someone like that.

In fact, that relationship would become such an important part of our lives that it eventually led to another chapter in our family's story.

But that's a story for another day.

[arnoldziffel]

Your account of your transition from 'normal' married life together to a (more normal that some might think) wife sharing lifestyle, is a most compelling read. Well done on your writing style and thank you for sharing your experience - so far - with us.

As a person who has been married to the same person for over 30 years, I think I understand the courage needed to take the steps you have. Your account suggests that you understood that , i.e. by venturing outside your marriage for another male sex partner, the risk of damaging what had previously been a strong relationship, was huge. Trust in any good relationship is vital and you obviously had trust in each other. I may be wrong but it seems that ( in suggesting you have sex with other men) your husband knew you better than you knew yourself. In saying that, I am conscious of the strain childbirth causes in a woman's body and how tiredness related to the day-to-day rearing of children can push your libido to one side. You simply might not have had the energy to have even considered extra-marital as a possibility.

What I'm wondering is why it was that you agreed to your husbands proposition? Was there something lacking (excitement intensity/technique/his size/porn induced interracial sex taboos?) or was it a case that, if I can use this analogy, your husband knew you liked eating apples but knew there were so many different varieties to choose from. He gave you the opportunity experience them while he would take enjoyment from watching yours?

Also, while I don't want to rush your story telling, I wonder if you have confided about your adventures in any female friends or colleagues (assuming you work outside the massive task of rearing three young ones at home). If so, what was their reaction?

If all of the queries above are to be answered in due course, that's fine by me. I'm hapy to wait and enjoy your ....apologies for the use of this word.....journey.

[RealWithRy]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. You've touched on several things that I've reflected on myself over the years.

I think you're absolutely right that trust was the cornerstone of everything we did. Without that foundation, I don't believe this journey would have lasted very long. Before we ever acted on anything, we spent countless evenings talking through every "what if" we could think of. We knew there were risks, and we wanted to be certain we were choosing this together rather than being swept up in the excitement of something new.

I also found your observation that my husband may have known me better than I knew myself really interesting. Looking back, there may be some truth to that. Before he ever brought up the idea, it honestly wasn't something I had considered. I wasn't secretly wishing for another partner or feeling that something was missing. I was happy being his wife and raising our child.

At that stage of life, we also had a very young child,and anyone who's been through those years knows how demanding they can be. Pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, and the everyday responsibilities of motherhood have a way of consuming your energy. Exploring an unconventional lifestyle simply wasn't something that occupied my thoughts.

One thing that helped us tremendously, both then and now, is that I haven't had to work outside the home very much. That has allowed me to focus on our family and given us the flexibility to spend quality time together instead of constantly trying to juggle two demanding work schedules. I truly believe that extra time at home has strengthened our communication and our marriage. We were able to have the long conversations, regular check-ins, and honest discussions that a lifestyle like this really requires.

Looking back, I think my husband recognized parts of my personality that I hadn't fully appreciated myself. He knew I enjoyed meeting people, that I tend to connect with others easily, and that I'm naturally curious. He wasn't trying to fix something that was missing in me or in our marriage. He simply saw an opportunity for us to explore something together that we both might enjoy.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little hesitant at first. I was shy, a little reserved, and definitely more of a "good girl" than someone who would have ever imagined living this kind of life. But something changed as the years went on. The more experiences I had, the more confident I became, not just sexually, but as a woman. I found myself looking forward to the anticipation, the butterflies before meeting someone new, and the excitement of sharing those moments with my husband afterward. What began as nervous curiosity gradually turned into a genuine desire to explore. The thrill of the unknown, the chemistry with different personalities, and the freedom to embrace that side of myself became something I truly enjoyed. Looking back, I don't think the lifestyle changed who I was, it simply gave me permission to discover a side of myself that had been quietly waiting to emerge.