April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's
ear, and he places the other hand on top
of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays,
he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend,
I don't go before the judge until next Wednesday!"

[osreb]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I
shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked
women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[osreb]

It was said when Italian immigrants were hired in the "New World," they did not trust their employers. They preferred to be paid at the end of each day - or as the "day goes." Thus, Italians were referred to as "dagos." Traditional
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Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot ."

[osreb]

Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them pers pire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g.., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[osreb]

Everything has a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[osreb]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No...Salty.'

Mum fainted.

[osreb]

Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem
too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed
on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.


'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When
he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he
entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run
for Congress."

[osreb]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot..
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing The thought of hav ing the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you
something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[osreb]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


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[osreb]

This from a South African commercial for Gaviscon, an antacid.
It illustrates what can go wrong when someone who is ESL (English as a second language) writes the punch line for the advertisement.

click on 1st pic to enlarge