April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Prior to her trip to Texas ,Buffy (A New Yorker),

Confided to her co-workers she had three goals

For her trip to the Lone Star State ;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bonafide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over

that Mesquite , it's ooooh sogood. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo.

Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,'Welltell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the

condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
(see the last pic)

[Mudbug]

It's just a Skoal can, I have the same circle on my back pocket.
https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...d=125004 6259

[osreb]

Of couse it's a skoal can; only the dizzy blonde thinks it's a condom.

remember that this is a joke thread.

Osreb

[Mudbug]

Originally Posted by osreb

Of couse it's a skoal can; only the dizzy blonde thinks it's a condom.

remember that this is a joke thread.

Osreb

Well fuck me in the heart... I thought YOU was Blond or I wouldn't have pointed it out to you.

[osreb]

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[osreb]

Attorneys

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: You gotta be kidding. Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[osreb]

Subject: The AMA on Obamacare

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington.



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[osreb]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall,
exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......

On one condition....'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'

[osreb]

Gun control:


Actual photo of a person being shot at close range. Read below to prepare you for the actual moment. Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea. Violence can be a brutal event. We tend to sit back in our living rooms, and view the barrage of information that comes across from our media. We can easily become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world within which we exist. Lives may be ended or altered forever during the heat of confrontation. When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face with 'cold' reality. WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT-AT-HEART!

SCROLL DOWN to see the 1st pic


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HORRIBLE, isn't it ??

[osreb]



Maxine on the bailout:

"BAIL 'EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a house of ill repute and selling whiskey!"