April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor,
they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."


"Yes?"

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[osreb]

Dog sitting
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after her neighbors dog while the neighbors went on their vacation. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a b*tch that was in ‘heat’ and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly alarmed by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said, “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the b*tch.”
“Oh,” said the spinster, “Do you think that will work?”
“Well,” the vet replied, “It just worked for me.”

[osreb]

In the movies
Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, he couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.
The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the adult movie theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.

The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he’d ever seen… halfway through a dog even got in on the action.

Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman looked back and whispered, “It’s okay. We’re just here to see our dog!

[osreb]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

[osreb]

Paul married Virginia in a sweet ceremony in Philadelphia, PA. They boarded a train to go to the Carolina coast for their honeymoon. Virginia had packed a goodie basket for the trip down. Shortly after departing they began taking cheese and crackers from the basket. The conductor came to them and told them that they could not eat any food they brought. They could only eat in the dining car. Paul said okay and took out a bottle of wine. The conductor again told them sorry, but they could not drink any alcohol they brought on the train. They could only drink alcohol in the lounge car. Again, Paul said okay and took out an expensive cigar that Virginia had brought for him. The conductor immediately told Paul that the train was completely non smoking.

Paul said to Virginia "lets just go to our sleeping quarters and turn in." Virginia agreed and after they had just settled in their berth and began to snuggle, an announcement came over the PA system: "Next stop, Norfolk, Virginia."

Paul looked at Virginia and said "this train line is doing everything they can to spoil our honeymoon."

[osreb]

Sportsman’s double
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

[osreb]

Class quiz
A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”
He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!” The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.
“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”
Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”
The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

[sooty]

Sometimes Facebook is good and other times it's a complete pain but I have found a few good posters there. Here are some of the best ones and I don't have any good photos except this one of my partner taken about 18 months ago when she was 65, incredibly she is actually fitter now than she was then.

[Counting Pixels]

A monkey was walking down the street with a banana and a tin opener.
A guy stops him and says You don't need a tin opener to get into a banana.'
The monkey smiles and says Í know that - this is for the custard.

[osreb]

1st 2 -humor