April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Three drunk men die in car wreck on Christmas Eve;

Arriving at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks them over,

He tells that normally they would be sent to Hell.

but since it is Christmas Eve he will give them a pass into heaven if each could produce a
Christmas object from their person.

The first man digs in his pocket and produces a cigarette lighter and flicks up a flame.

St Peter ask, "How that Christmas?"

He replies "It's a Christmas candle."

St Peter says, "OK that a stretch, but I will let you in."

The second mas quickly lifts up his car keys an jingles them.

"What is that?" ask St Pete

"Christmas bells". says the drunk.

I guess so says St Peter "I'll let you in too."

The third man is frantic, searching his pockets, he pulls a a pair of ladies underpants, and offers them to the Saint.

St. Peter says, "All right!, I'll go with the lighter as a candle, and car keys as bells, but how can you tell me that panties represent Christmas?"



The third drunk smiles and says......


"Their Carols"

[osreb]

all the holidays - pic 1

[Swimashore]

An Abo takes his 9 year old daughter to the doctor for some contraceptive pills. The doctor says,
"Streuth Jacky, is she already sexually active?"
"Nah doc, she just lays there like her mother."

[Swimashore]

The way the French police work.......

Some members of the army, the gendarmerie, and the police, find themselves on a training course together. The survival instructor sergeant says, "You're all going to take it in turns to go out into the woods and bring back a rabbit."
The first night the soldiers go out. There are some muffled shots and the soldiers come back with a rabbit skinned on a spit ready for the roast.
The second night the gendarmes go out and all night there are bangs and flashes and in the morning they come back with lumps of meat covered with charred fur and a pair of long ears poking out here and there.
The third night the police go out. There'a a deathly silence all night but in the early hours the air is full of screams and cursing. The policemen come back with a squirrel in handcuffs. The sergeant says, "Are you trying to take the piss?"
A policeman gets his stick out and the squirrel screams, "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"

(Almost a true story too).

*****COPYRIGHTED/WATERMARKED PHOTO REMOVED*****

[osreb]

check out pic 1

[charlz]

Osreb, can you re up the ad a bit bigger please, I couldn't quite make out the phone number!! ( also is the 6k inclusive of tax and import duties?)!!

[Swimashore]

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Our site is not a place to discuss or promote people's political or religious beliefs.

[Swimashore]

Originally Posted by Swimashore

*****POLITICAL COMMENTS REMOVED*****

From the Forum Rules: https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/misc.php?do=showrules

No hard feelings, but in France right now that hilarious joke would be considered patriotic.

Reminds me of back in the 70's in London.

An Irishman is driving like mad through the streets while his friend beside him has a bomb on his lap. He says,
"Paddy, can't you slow down a bit. I'm frightened this bomb might go off."
"Begorrah, don't worry about that, there's another one in the boot."

[Swimashore]

10 excellent reasons to become a sheepshagger:

1. She won't be shagging with your best friend as soon as you turn your back.
2. She won't resist, you can shag her all day and night if you like.
3. She has no front teeth on her upper jaw.
4. If you keep her in a dim light she'll never be on the rag.
5. You won't have to buy her a fur coat, she'll grow her own.
6. You won't have to take her out to an expensive restaurant, a handful of hay will do.
7. She won't flip her lid if you shag her sister.
8. She won't keep asking for money.
9. You'll meet plenty of farmers' daughters when you take her out to graze.
10. When you're fed up with her she'll make a great mechoui and you can use the leftovers for a shepherd's pie.

On the other hand:

1. She'll poop and pee all over the house, and sheep pee gallons at a time.
2. She'll be chomping her teeth 68,000 times a day. (Watch one in a field and try to count it).
3. You'll have to gouge the rot out of her feet now and then.
4. She'll have an orgasm after only about six seconds.

GOOD LUCK!

[osreb]

pic 1