April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[Swimashore]

While on the subject of African prostitutes, and I'm not joking, a while back I had one who looked exactly like this.

It was my first trip to Nairobi, I was a lot younger then, this was before Aids had been invented. I was staying at the Intercontinental and was dead tired. I'd left Paris early in the evening, was booted out of Sudan and put back on the same plane which went on to Addis Ababa. Refused entry there too, so I took an Ethiopian Airlines plane on to Nairobi. The way the pilot was flying it must have been his first flight, I nearly spewed.

After a few beers at the hotel I went out to explore the town. Nothing interesting so on my way back to the hotel this fairly attractive girl was walking towards me. As she passed I looked round and she was doing the same. The next thing I knew we were holding hands. I took her back to my hotel where the first thing she did was to get into a flaming row in Swahili with the receptionist. She made me give the guy 20 shillings and we went up to my room.

In the evening I took her out to a Japanese restaurant then we went to a cinema to watch a film which must have been at least 40 years behind the times. Back to my room for the rest of the night. I woke up in the middle of the night to make sure she was still there, (no honey, no money, and no credit card, is a reality which a lot of guys wake up to find), then went to the mini bar for for a drink. The fridge light lit up the bed. Jesus Christ! She'd wiped off her make-up and taken off her wig. I had been banging this since the afternoon!!!!

I kept her though. One you can trust like that is a great asset in a town like Nairobi in my former business.

[Swimashore]

Another African prostitute........

[Swimashore]

An order of nursing sisters:

[osreb]

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[osreb]

1st pic

[MarquisMD]

The Atheist And The Little Girl
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[osreb]

Prescription Drugs & Side Effects

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some g****fruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm really starving."

[osreb]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with
eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a
custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba”
floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation,
21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special
alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers
door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck

[Swimashore]

Osreb's pic in WTF reminds me of a good one.

A guy buys a house next to a monastery. One night he's woken up by someone shouting "Form a circle, form a circle." He gets his ladder out and looks over the wall. There's a line of monks bumming each other and the one in front is shouting, "Form a circle."

[Swimashore]

The last post of Osreb reminds me of another good one.

A guy goes on holiday and buys an elephant to take home. When he gets back he goes to work on it and leaves it in the factory car park. That evening the elephant is gone so he goes to the police to report it stolen.

Yes sir, was it African or Indian?

- I don't know for sure.

Was it grey or black?

- Sorry, but I'm not sure there either.

Was it male or female?

- Definitely female.

How can you be sure?

As I was going to work this morning everyone in the street was saying, "Look at the c*nt on that elephant."

(Dead serious but one c*nt near where I live actually did buy an elephant while he was on holiday and brought it back home. It's buried opposite the bar called "The Elephant" in Ste Geneviève des Bois with a statue on top near the Russian cemetery).