April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[Swimashore]

One thing I never understood is that if you spend all day talking to God, it's called praying.

BUT, if ever God talks to you, you get carted off to the looney bin.

[sooty]

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back..

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

TRUE STORY

I go to an old time ballroom dancing group and last week a sweet old lady said to me "My beaver is sitting on that chair". Somewhat stunned I looked down and saw that it was a small soft toy beaver given to her by another couple who had just returned from a trip to Canada!

Haven't got any photos to add but for those who like something different have a look at this video from Dailymotion that I found recently. This lady has amazing muscle control and a great personality.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xka...agina-show_fun

[osreb]

5 Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and YOU need to shut-up.

2. NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.

3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.

4. WHATEVER: A woman’s way of saying screw you.

5. THAT’S OKAY: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

BONUS WORD – WOW: This is not a compliment, she is amazed that one person could be so stupid!

[osreb]

Humor pix

[osreb]

Catholic Horse Race


A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on .

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, "Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!"

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "You couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

[osreb]

The last line in pic 1 should read:

The rest of us are on One Click Chicks

[osreb]

Success....

[mitcham]

I sincerely hope there are more pics of this lovely girl out there!

[sooty]

I loved the one about DNA

[sooty]

"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour.

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.

Nearly shagged a Poofter last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “F**kin hang about” !!!!

A duck walked into a bar and said to the barman "Have you got any g****s?". The barman replied "No, this is a bar, we don't sell g****s, we sell drinks." The duck leaves and comes back again the next day and says "Have you got any g****s?" to which the barman replies "NO, I told you yesterday we don't sell g****s, we sell drinks." The duck leaves and returns the next day and again asks "have you got any g****s?" furiously the barman replies "NO, I've told you yesterday and the day before that we don't sell g****s, this is a bar and if you come in here again and ask if we have any g****s I'm going to nail your beak to the floor!". So the duck leaves and comes back again the next day and says "Do you have any nails?". The barman replies "No, we don't have any nails, this is a bar, we sell drinks" and the duck says "Oh OK then do you have any g****s?"

Sorry don't have any photos to post but if you check my posts in Completely Random Youtube Videos you are bound to find something that you like.