April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

why men should not write advice columns

[Swimashore]

A guy goes for a drive in Wales. Almost as soon as he crosses the border he sees a Taff in a field shagging a sheep. He decides to stop off at a pub for a beer and when he goes into the bar there's a spastic in leg-irons sitting on the floor having a wank.
He says, "Fuck this, I'm getting out of here."
The barman says, "What's wrong boyo?"
He replies, "As soon as I came to Wales I saw a guy shagging a sheep in a field and now I'm in here, this guy's sitting on the floor having a wank."
The barman says, "Go easy on him. How do you expect him to catch a sheep in his condition!"

[Swimashore]

An Irishman joins the Jehovah's Witnesses. He spends all his Sunday mornings banging on people's doors and telling them to "Fuck Off!"

[osreb]

This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[osreb]

Before performing a baptism, Father Reilly approached Paddy Murphy and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," Paddy replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," Father Reilly responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," Paddy replied. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

[osreb]

luv that soap ad

[osreb]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And The Number One Reason Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women…

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun



more gun tattoos posted on eieio thread:

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/show...postcount=3823

[osreb]

For All Beer Lovers !

no April fools joke.....check ot out on the web



The European Union ( E.U.) has granted an official permit, to an Austrian brewery to use the controversial name ..... " Fucking Hell " ..... For their beer ! The beer and its name are now fully legitimate !



There were two reasons for this decision. " Hell " means " Lite " in German. And the beer is produced in the Austrian town of Fucking. Yes - Fucking is really the name of a town in Austria

( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria ) !

[osreb]

How Much is Enough:

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “only a little while.”
The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then?”
The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions?” asked the fisherman, “Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evening, sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos!”

[Swimashore]

Originally Posted by osreb

The law of Coeur d'Alene, in Idaho, to save people the embarrassment of being caught in the act, prohibits police officers from approaching any vehicle parked immediately if they suspect that passengers are being intimate.

Reminds me of a funny joke. A guy is going home late one night through the park when a woman pops out of the bushes and says,
"Do you want a good time for only a tenner?"
The price is dead cheap so they go off into the bushes together. Just before they're finished a policeman shines his torch on the couple and says,
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?"
The guy replies,
"What does it look like? I'm fucking my wife!"
"I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
"Neither did I until you shone that bloody torch on her."