April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Hump Day

[osreb]

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."
The dwarf faints!

After regaining his consciousness, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.

"For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[osreb]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

[osreb]

Hump Day

[eleventhson]

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How To Be An Intolerable Dom


Insist that all Bondage play be done only with Silly string.

~ For gagging, use Giant Super sourball Bubble gum, found in Grocery vending machines.

~ When your sub starts turning blue from too-tight bounds, tell them how it brings out the colour of their eyes ...

~ Make them embroider "This Ass Owned and operated by Mistress/Master (insert name here) on all of their work clothes.

~ Flog your submissive... just before they reach sub-space, sing all verses and Choruses of "Tie me Kangaroo down sport" while circling them with the silly-string can on full blast...

~ Asked to be served watermelon, at a play party...bend them over, naked of course, and have a seed spitting contest with all the Dominants aiming for the sub's anus.

~ For wax-play, paint your sub entirely black, then drip a colourful pattern on them with your brand new box of 96 vibrant coloured crayolas, scratch the colours off with a toothpick, revealing an interesting design underneath... ~ When they call their safe word, make them say "pretty please"... then "pretty please with sugar on top"...before you stop.

~ Have a new favourite flogger made of gummiworms. ~ Super glue the nipple clamps ON.

~ Send your sub to the Dairy Queen for 2 quarts of Milkshakes, when they return, have the enema bag hanging in full view.

~ Sit upright for a back-rub, keep saying "a little to the left" until they get dizzy from going around you.

~ Wear rainbow socks with toes in them with your 5" stilettos for that foot fetishist submissive.

~ Replace the St. Andrew's Cross in the dungeon with a life size replica of "Barney the purple Dinosaur" that sings, "I love you, you love me..." attach metal cuffs to the arms and legs of sub and Barney, go watch a video of Gone With The Wind.

~ Take your sub to K-mart...lose them and have them called over the intercom: "Will the redassed-sissyboy/sub-gal (insert favourite humiliating term) meet your Master/Goddess at the customer service desk"

~ Give all directives and commands in a Donald Duck voice. ~ When tired of the Donald Duck voice, use pig-Latin.

~ When you sub begs to cum, look perplexed and say, "silly...you are already here"

~ Insist that you are a born natural with a bull whip.

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[osreb]

boob humor and pix

[eleventhson]

Sperm Bank


A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......


"Not fucking difficult is it?" he says

*****HARDCORE PHOTOS REMOVED*****

From the Rules Page:
All photos & videos that show sex, blowjobs, cumshots, masturbation or penetration must be posted in one of the forums labeled "Hardcore". Do not post hardcore material in any of the other forums.

[osreb]

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you getting at?
6. What the ___ did you do now?
7. You’re kidding, right ?
8. Don't beat around the bush; just tell me how much it costs?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us again, isn’t she???

[sweetles]

Great fuckin thread

[Tifosi]

It is a great thread! I laughed my ass off on the Sperm Bank one....