April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

There was once a famous Jewish court astrologer named Isaac the Great. One of the King's wives got sick and Isaac was called in for a prediction. He happened to know a bit of medicine as well and could see that she was going to die, so thought he would take the opportunity to bolster his credibility a little.

He said, "Your Majesty, she will die in three days -- it's in the stars."

Sure enough, three days later, she dies. The King is very angry so he blames Isaac.

He calls Isaac in and demands, "Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death."

Isaac understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at his star charts with great intensity and answers, "Sir, I can't tell exactly, but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me."

[osreb]

Marie, A nice, calm and respectable Cajun lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist whose name is Boudreaux, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like ta buy some cyanide."

Then Boudreaux asked, "Mais, Why in de world do ya need cyanide?"
Marie replied, "Ah need it to poison my husband."
Boudreaux eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! A...h can't give you cyanide to kill you husband, dat's against de law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw boat of us in jail! All kinds of bad tings will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

Marie reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband Thibodeaux in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
Boudreaux looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't told me you had a prescription."

[osreb]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[osreb]

I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!

[osreb]

pics 1 & 2

[osreb]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old

but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,

so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Bruce, you are only 10...

Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,

Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room.

It's bigger than mine

and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,

Jenny makes 5 bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week.

That's about 60 bucks a month,

so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed.

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well, Bruce,

it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have

little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[osreb]

April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

sexy mannequins

[osreb]

Men Lol?
a Wife asked her husband to help prepare supper. Told him to peel half the potatoes in the bag and put them in the pot of water!


Where was she not clear?

pic 1

[sooty]

One day a member of the gang was riding over the West Gate Bridge in Melbourne, Australia when he spotted a young woman standing on the edge at the top and about to commit suicide. He quickly pulled over and said to her "What are you doing?" to which she replied "I'm going to jump and end it all." So he says "Well before you go how about a lovely big kiss?". The girl pauses for a moment and says "OK. why not?".

They then engage in the longest, wildest, wettest tongue twisting kiss ever imaginable and at the end the Hells Angel says "Wow, that was unbelievable. Why would any woman who can kiss like that want to commit suicide?" and she says "My parents and family all hate me and won't have anything to do with me because I always dress up like a woman".

[osreb]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)