April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same
month. She tells each one of her
daughters to write back about their married
life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly
discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using
newspaper advertisements as a "code" to
let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with
a single message, simply:
"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Good to
the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a
postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S
MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and
it says: "FULL SIZE, KING
SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two
weeks have passed and still no
message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter
with the message: "BRITISH
AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she
faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A
DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[osreb]

Hiw Snow White really ended....

[osreb]

Ooops the puch line pic to the above post was deleted...

It showed Snow White in a room, pregant, holding an infant and several otehr kids in background; toys everywhere and Prince Charming drinking a beer in his easy chair.

[osreb]

Biblical Matters

Q.. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A.. Ruthless.


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A.. German Shepherds.


Q.. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q.. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q.. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.


Q... Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.. Samson. He brought the house down.


Q.. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q.. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A.. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.


Q.. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A.. Joshua, son of Nun.


Q.. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A.. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'


KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

[osreb]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in,

stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

[osreb]

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER.
" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WIT
HOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT "CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

[osreb]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!
Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging,
my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute,
and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said,
'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f**k off.

[osreb]

misspelled tattoos...follow the link and watch the Ellen clip at bottom of page.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...#axzz2KYuvufCJ

ROFLOL

[osreb]

Pic 1

They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes, they went to jail.....Yes, alcohol was involved.

[osreb]

humor pics