April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[liberty]

pic I found; quite fitting for OCC.

[osreb]

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.

Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice

"When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter
going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

[Dogseye]

Q - What's silver, sits beside your bed, and takes the piss out of you?

A - A dialysis machine.

(That's the best I can do for the moment).

[osreb]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

[osreb]

If you think shopping on Black Friday is bad?

Then you clearly have never shopped at Wal Mart the day before a Hurricane.

[osreb]

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA:

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.


HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"


WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.


BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE
ENIGMATIC REMARK -


"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".


MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING,


THERE WAS NO GORSKY, IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.


OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO
WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT,


BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.


ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-
YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY
RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE
COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.


IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN ,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.


HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S
YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.


AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,


"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!
YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"


TRUE STORY!

[osreb]

Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

One said to the other,

I bet any minute now some Italian is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Italian man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What ya sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old Italian said,

"Must be doing well, only two left."


Italians- don't mess with them!

[osreb]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[osreb]

just some humor pics

[osreb]

Police work can be both entertaining and dangerous.
From The Washington Post article, "Best come-back line ever."
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

"I said, excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"