April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink

when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next

to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.
I can't stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't
have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife with another man..

and then my dog bit me."

"So

I came to this bar to work up the courage to put

an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a

capsule in and sit here watching the poison

dissolve; and then you show up and drink the

whole damn thing!

�But,

Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[osreb]

Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica .
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

[osreb]

Remember the words from the song...

For all of you who remember being there...

"Where have all the flowers gone?
...long time passing...."

Have you ever wondered what happened

to all those really cute and crazy,
good looking, barefoot, young hippie chicks

who didn't wear bras, did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed

and shagged every guy they met during that great ‘Age of Aquarius’ back in the 60's?

Well, wonder no more!


LAST PIC.....



Kind’a gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

[osreb]

This is incredible!

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from aKNEELING position?
The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position and was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved...pic 1

I've always enjoyed sports trivia.

[osreb]

Lets go out to eat tonight

[osreb]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE

AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,

and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had the

torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually

taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[osreb]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned..

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'



Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

[osreb]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

[osreb]

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her sn*tch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.


2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.


3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.


4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.


5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.


6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.


8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

[osreb]

How to Replace Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.



To whom this may concern:

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method..

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.