April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

An inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunken woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her. "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

[ausfuncple]

LMAO!
Good one and great pics too thanks!

[osreb]

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating no-good, b^$*^@^s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

[osreb]

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business

[osreb]

OCC time (pic 1)

[baddaddy]

"I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business[/QUOTE]

[osreb]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US...

Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****
***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for

assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier

smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to

do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand

on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was

in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked

with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

[osreb]

THE HONEYMOON



Please excuse the four-letter words toward the end of the following
story...I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the
same..




A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!

So romantic"... Suddenly she burst out crying.

"But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things
I'd never heard before!

I mean, all these awful four-letter words!

You've got to take me home!!

PLEASE MAMA !"

"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down!

You need to stay with your husband and work this out.

Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!

COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said,

"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:

"DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK...

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.

[osreb]

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '



A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..




As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener . '


OK - One More


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

'I know, she said, I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'