April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count sample as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out,
still nothing.

'She even called up Arlene, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the dang jar open.

[osreb]

Pic 1 -

This is actually vegetable growing in Brazil called "Chuchu" pronounced shoo-shoo.

Well well well....They DO grow on Trees

Look how happy she is!

[osreb]

Pic 1 is irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.

[osreb]

frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nametag that she is called Patricia Whack.

"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan so that I can take a long holiday," he says.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks for his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and that his Dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay. And his father knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that to secure a loan for so much cash, he'll need to have some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a small porcelain elephant, about an inch high, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty says she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and tells him "There's a frog out there who says his dad is Mick Jagger, he wants a $30,000 loan and that it's okay, that you know his father." She holds up the pink elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The manager looks at her nonchalantly and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!"

[osreb]

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who’d had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “Lucky bastard! All shore duty, eh?”
==========================
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.

"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission. My friend responded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend, and I want to be with her."

__._,_.___

[osreb]

check out pic 1 - ROFLOL

[gylbert]

Looks like Tyler remembers his school days clearly enough!

This below has been circulating around my neck of Facebook the last week.
Christina's recent inclusion in the Celebrity Oops & Candids thread jogged my mammeries . . . er, I mean, memory

[osreb]

A fast woman is one who goes from zero to sixty-nine in under fifteen seconds.

On our debating team in college, one guy was so good he could take on entire teams simultaneously by himself and win. He was a mass debater.

A woman who uses too much contraceptive cream is a spermicidal maniac.


I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman ,"Can I smell your pussy?" "F*ck No, you can't smell my pussy!" the woman yells back at him. "Oh." he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."


Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

[osreb]

"It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous woman giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."

"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.

"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."

[osreb]

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Feather, and unto the Sonny, and into the hole he gooses.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 'S underwear!'